The Fish Tank

I will be good enough when... ~I start my career ~I get married ~I have kids ~I get that particular house ~I can afford those clothes ~I lose ten pounds ~My hair is longer ~I get that job ~My house is decorated like my Pinterest board ~I get right with God ~I am more educated in my faith ~I help out more at my kids' school ~I am a better wife ~I spend more time with my kids This list (plus countless more) have all entered my mind at some point or another. I was on the spin bike today pushing myself past my limits. My body was tired. I worked out the past few mornings on my own and then worked out again with my boys in the evening. My eldest likes to go on walks with me where we challenge each other to sprints, push-ups, step-ups, squats, and lunges. I oblige because he's a big fifth grader now and that time with him is so very precious. His brothers now want in on the action, so I am probably doing a little too much. Between working out more often than usual

Yesterday, I wrote about the messy middle; that place where we reside most of our lives. We want to rush out of the middle to get to the destination not realizing that this is the place where God tends to be the loudest. We pay attention a little more to Him because we need him more in this space. As I push against my middle, I often think I am not yet in or at his will for my life. A couple weeks ago I had an opportunity to do something outside of the home. It was something I could easily do; totally in my wheel house. But, I wasn't jumping at the opportunity. While it would be a blast and fill a void for me, there was something preventing me from shouting "YES!" I sat on my little couch in my office praying about what answer I should give to this opportunity. I didn't want to say no and miss an opportunity from God stepping out of his will for me but I also didn't feel fully inclined to say yes. So, I stopped praying and told God I was just going to sit ther

A stutter & insecurities. A desert. A promised land seen but not felt. A religious clash. An affair. A murder. A drought and a boat. What do these things on this list have in common? They are all life stories of heroes from the Bible. Moses battled with a speech impediment, self-doubt, and wandered in a desert for years before he got to the Promised Land. Esther was a Jew in hiding in a king's palace before speaking up for her people and saving them. David was an adulterer and murderer but also a man after God's own heart. Noah built a giant boat for years during a never-ending drought before the flood waters came and that boat saved humanity. We like end results. We like to talk about the end of the story. Grady, my middle guy, was talking the other day about how one of his brother's buddies reads the last page of books so he can know how the story will end ahead of time. I used to do that. As much as I like to know the whole story, I always like the end the

There was a fad years ago. People would wear bracelets and T-shirts with the acronym, "WWJD" written on it. There were bumper stickers and coffee mugs. People could not get enough of the What Would Jesus Do phenomenon. I parked in the parking lot and sat for a moment. Today was my first day to run errands without kids in months. Summer was over and the boys were back in school. I missed them but the silence felt good in that moment. I got out of my car and notice a sticker on the minivan next to me. It said, "Smiling is a charity." I love that. A smile goes a long way in someone else's day. A moment later, I noticed the quote was from Mohammed and the sticker was promoting Islam. Ironically, the SUV right next to this minivan also had a sticker on the back window. This sticker had a cross, an equals sign, and a heart implying the cross equals love. Hmmmmm. I had to take a picture. There was something about these two cars parking right next to each other hap

I always love when a friend shares something they love. I enjoy hearing about what friends are reading, what apps they are using, and what podcasts they are listening to. I listen to a podcast (I'll mention it in my faves list) where she asks her guests three things they are loving and three things they are reading. I thought it would be fun if I followed this format and share my reads and loves. I would love for anyone who is loving something right now to post in the comments or on social media. So, here we go... Things I am reading: Loving My Actual Life by Alexandra Kuykendall **This book set off my summer of reset refocusing my attention to what matters to me and what I want my life to look like. Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequest **This book is a breath of fresh air; to be empowered to remove the busy title and reestablish rest in our lives. Giddy Up Eunice by Sophie Hudson **Sophie Hudson is the author of the BooMama blog and is absolutely hilarious. Her read

If you've watched any coverage of the Olympics, you have heard the name Aly Raisman. You may have also seen and heard of her parents. They are the incredibly nervous duo who hold their breath and move their bodies to Aly's routines. It's precious. It's hilarious. And it solidifies all of our parental craziness. As I watched Aly's parents, I wondered about their journey. They started on this road just as you or I: taking their precious, chunky, little toddler to gymnastics classes. Little did they know then that they were raising an Olympic athlete. They put one-foot-in-front-of-the-other one-class-at-time taking their sweet little girl to a fun little activity. They committed to the journey of providing opportunities for their daughter. We all have high hopes and dreams for our children, but rarely do we realize we are raising a future Olympian. We just put one-foot-in-front-of-the-other and keep chugging along. Isn't that like life? We don't know what

It's time. Vacation was taken. Time was spent with friends. We did cannon balls into the pool and chased fireflies. We roasted marshmallows to make s'mores and stayed up entirely too late. We've eaten loads of popcorn and seen summer movies. Our eyes are gazed over from an over-abundance of technology and we've stayed in our jammies for far too long. It is time. I need to miss them. They need to miss me. They need to miss each other. The bickering and groans of "I'm bored" have exceeded the daily quota this past week. School begins on Monday and while I always get a little sad this time of year (I realize time is fleeting and our most precious resource), it is time for everyone to go. There is something about leaving one another for a time and coming back together. You realize how much you missed those people; how much they mean to you and how much you love them. Time away from one another enlightens us and helps us remember why we love and do the thin

I found an old pallet in the corner of our lot. Three years ago, we bought a plot of land and decided to build a house. I saw that pallet every time we visited our lot and knew I had to have it. I convinced my husband to throw it in the back of his truck. Of course he thought I was crazy, but went along anyway. I didn't know what I was going to do with that dusty old thing, but I knew it needed a place in our new home. While we were living in the apartment while our home was being built, Scott and I had a conversation about a family verse. The boys were two, three, and six at the time and we wanted something they could grow up knowing to be true. We went our separate ways searching for just the right Scripture for our brood and both came back with something having to do with being strong and courageous. I like Joshua 1:9. He chose Psalm 31:24. We settled on his choice and I finally knew what that rickety pallet was for: our family verse. "So be strong and courageous all yo

I feel it. Do you? Ready or not, change is coming. As much as we want to, we can't force time to stop. I feel it in my bones. My body, mind, and spirit are longing for it. The next season. The next schedule. The next opportunity. I am ready. I was a change denier for so long. I refused and tried to run from change unless I felt I had some semblance of control over it. I like my cozy, comfy, knowing what comes next life thank you very much. No need to mess the covers. I like this perfectly made life. I married a change agent. My husband thrives in change. The first time he mentioned to me the idea of moving out of state, I absolutely lost it like a crazy fool. That was one of our worst fights in the twenty years we've been together. I could not grasp that big of a change in my life. Obviously, he won that argument because hear we sit nine years 1500 miles away from where I grew up. Ironically, I cannot imagine myself anywhere else in the world right now than smack dab in the m

"She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her." Proverbs 3:15 Worthless. I was singing the blues. Call post-vacation melancholy. Call it searching for meaning in life. I don't know what it was exactly, but I wasn't feeling it. "...the internal voice that tells me to hustle can find a to-do list in my living room as easily as it can in an office. It's not about paid employment. It's about trusting the hustle will never make you feel the way you want to feel. In that way, it's a drug, and I fall for the initial rush every time; if I push enough, I will feel whole. I will feel proud, I will feel happy. What I feel, though, is exhausted and resentful, but with well-organized closets." Present Over Perfect, Shauna Niequist I needed my tribe. I text my circle and they rallied. I was feeling useless. No one sees the dishes I wash and counter tops I wipe down. My life encompasses children who slowly-but-surely need me l

It's hard to laugh when things are dark. I remember when a good friend of mine lost a family member in a tragic accident and I felt like I shouldn't be doing even the simplest of tasks. I knew life had to move forward but it was hard for me to laugh and do all these normal things while watching someone I cared about suffering and grieving her loss. I felt like that again recently. How do I enjoy life laughing and doing silly menial tasks while so many are struggling? So, I did what any sane person does in times like these. I went on Pinterest and searched funny memes. I needed a good laugh. I saved a bunch of these humorous quotes and pictures and sent them to a friend. She probably thought I was crazy when she picked up her phone only to see that I had sent her about thirty texts. I couldn't stop. I went down a rabbit hole of laughter and needed someone to share it with. We need this. I think one way we can celebrate when darkness surrounds us is by living large. We st

My family and I just got back from a week long vacation. It was long overdue. We've had a couple weekend getaways, but haven't had a good long vacation as a family in two years. I didn't realize how much I needed the rest until we got there. The moment I plopped down in my beach chair, my soul exhaled. I am a stay-at-home-mom. I often think that I am always on vacation since I am always home. I don't have an office I have to drive in to. I don't have any deadlines or meetings to attend. Because of this, I convince myself that my life is rest. Boy, was I wrong. Because I stay home, I never leave my place of work. My office is our home. Just when I think I can clock out, someone pops out of bed because of a bad dream or is in need of another glass of water. I woke up each morning when I'd hear the boys start stirring. I have three of them, so I am always on alert determining what type of shenanigans they are getting into. I'd start the coffee, check on each