The Fish Tank

It's finally starting to feel like fall in Texas. We had a few beautiful days in September and October, but our real cold doesn't usually arrive until November. The leaves don't start changing color until then as well. Our neighborhood is full of beautiful trees. When you enter from our north entrance, all you see is tree lined streets. I long to see the fall colors as summer comes to a close and fall slides in. But, I have to wait. We have a red oak out front. I can see it when I pass our front windows and from my son's room. This tree goes from empty and barren to vibrant green to golden brown to a brilliant red. This year, our red oak is taking its sweet time changing from green to red. I am getting impatient. Fall is my favorite. The colors of fall rejuvenate my soul. Let's go, tree. Change it up! But if we hope for what we do not have yet, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25 Life is like the leaves. We find ourselves in an uncomfortable season and we a...

Annie Downs says, "Celebrate your former self. Don't belittle your former self." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist. She says this ALL the time and I absolutely love that she does. So often, we are told to hide our pasts. Our pasts haunt and shame us. We are told they are something to completely distance ourselves from and I just don't think that's truth. Let me start with some Scripture... “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." Isaiah 43:18 When referring to our past in Christian circles, we hold onto Isaiah's words. We are told to forget about the past and what has happened. We are to be alert for what is happening in the present time and what is to come in the future. So, it seems pretty clear that we are supposed to completely let go of o...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10 I follow a lifestyle blogger who touts living her best life. She just turned forty and decided that it is about time she live her best life. She realized that life zooms by at warp speed, so we must hang on tight and enjoy the ride. Why not take pleasure in the life that is before you? I like this mantra. I want to live my best life. But, how do I do that? The other morning, I groggily walked into my husband's office, coffee in hand, and dropped a bomb. I don't think it was even 8am yet, and this, on a Saturday. I asked him how his spiritual life was going. You know, the kind of conversation that needs to happen before one has time to ingest their first cup of coffee. Of course he was in the middle of something, so he asked if we could talk in a bit. I obliged but not without creating my own conversation in my head assuming how this talk would g...

I am a recovering perfectionist. Weeellll, I can't honestly say I'm recovered, but I am working on getting there. I did have to do about a bazillion things and get them all perfectly in order before I could sit down and write today. So there's that. I have always chased perfection. Ever since I was little, I have had a longing for everything to be in its place; including my life. My lovies had a particular place on my bed. The knick-knacks and barbies all had a home. When I got married, my husband used to mess with my throw pillows because I had to have them in a certain order. I usually can't sit down until everything is picked up and put away. When something in my life goes wrong, I react illogically and emotionally and typically clean and organize like a mad woman. It's my fantasy for control. Perfection is not attainable this side of Heaven. I was on a walk admiring the scenery around our town lake. Everything grows naturally. There are so many types of pl...

"Nothing can dim a light that shines from within." Maya Angelou I began blogging ten years ago when we moved to Texas. I began on MySpace logging our story and keeping family and friends in touch with our lives; especially our first born who was 15 months old at the time. The core of my blog was memories and milestones of our first born and our first experiences in a new place. I had a lot of material between being in the throws of transitioning from career-woman to stay-at-home-mom and moving from California to Texas. Content changed the day our lives changed with miscarriage. My blog shifted from my baby's firsts to the tragedy of loss. I found solace in writing; especially writing about the silent trauma of miscarriage. I wrote almost as if I were writing in my diary instead this time, all the world got to read my junk. I found that initially, I was my own audience. I needed to write the words and get them all out purging my emotions onto the page. Then, a funny t...

Social media. I have a love/hate relationship with you. I love that you keep me connected with people: my family and friends from near and far currently and from the past. I love cheering on friends from the other side of the screen; excited for their victories and praying for their hardships. And then there are those that deflate me. If I am not careful, I will follow someone just to watch the train wreck. I may even follow just to be in "the know" of their life not really caring about them deeply. Sometimes I follow some just so I don't miss out on what they may post next. This is totally unhealthy, obviously. What is in your social media feeds? What are you seeing everyday? What is filling your heart and your mind? We like to scroll. Scrolling removes us from reality which may seem too hard, daunting, or hurtful in the moment. Scrolling turns our brains off from the busyness of the day. It's mindless. Or, is it? We are captivated by what's in that littl...

Sometimes it's just too hard. This whole mommin', dream chasing, goal making, identity finding life is hard. Things don't just happen. I wish they did. I wish we could be like Aladdin and have our three wishes granted with the rub of a lamp. Or maybe I don't. I'm not sure. What I do know is this whole life thing can feel weighty. The unknown scary. I know the verses. I can speak the Christianese. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30). I will face trials but should remain joyful. (James 1:2) I shouldn't fear for He is with me. (Isaiah 41:10) I got the words. I know the Scripture. But life man, it can be hard. My boys were in and out of the house. Sweaty little faces coming back in for water and snacks rushing back out so they wouldn't miss a thing with their friends in the park. The house was quiet when they'd spill outside. My services not really needed or wanted in that moment. I gave up my life for them. My identity changed...

Hear my heart. We all need connectedness. We need people. Real human beings face-to-face doing life with us. Facebook won't do it. Instagram won't suffice. Twitter cannot be our word count for the day. We need connection. Real life connection. It is said that we are the most connected now than ever. We can reach someone on a different continent within seconds. Yet, we find ourselves at a breaking point full of loneliness, depression, and despair. Why? How can we be more connected yet so disconnected? I can tell you why. Because we weren't designed to connect through a machine. We were built, created, designed to live life with one another. We need to hear, feel, smell, touch others. We were meant to disagree and be challenged by each other. We long to be loved by someone. It is in our DNA. Jesus didn't live in isolation. He lived just the opposite. He had his band of buddies, his inner crew that knew all and saw all, and he had his haters. He knew when it was time...

Okay. So my junk drawer isn't that bad. I can't help it. I live better when things are tidy and in their place. It seems I have miraculously become nine months pregnant because I am a nesting and organizing crazy lady over here ever since the boys went back to school. But, let's face it, we all have our junk. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16 I think one of the most difficult things in life is owning our junk. Seriously. Who wants to fess up to the crud in their life? I am not raising my hand. One of our sons made a mistake the other day. He was not happy to talk about said issue and was a hot mess, to say the least. One thing my husband and I kept saying over and over to him was to own it and move on. Doesn't it seem that life is so much easier when we own our junk, learn from it, and move on. If we don't, we find ourse...