I've been searching to find what I am to learn through this season of my life. I knew in my heart that I wanted my faith to increase greatly. I wanted to feel the Lord in my bones and the depths of my soul. I didn't want to continue the "routine" of my faith. I wanted more.
I was reading through my journal yesterday and found that I began praying for three things the weekend I became pregnant. The three things were as follows:
1. I want to fellowship with Christ even in His sufferings. Let me explain. I was reading through Philippians at the time and prayed what Paul said in chapter three verse ten in which he discusses his desire to know the power of the resurrection by sharing in His sufferings. I didn't want to know what dying on the cross was like exactly. I have not totally lost my mind. I did, however, want to experience more than my padded life that we all experience just by living in the United States.
2. I wanted to truly trust God not just say that I did. I say I trust God but do I really???
3. Finally, I prayed that God would use me mightily
The holidays came and nothing changed. I went about the routine of my faith. Then the storm came that second cold week in January. All of a sudden I had to trust God. I also had to suffer. In the midst of the trial I was lost. I had no idea what God was doing. I was forced to trust God because the situation was so beyond my control. There was nothing I could do. This was difficult for me especially since I am a control addict! God knows me so well, though, that He put me in a situation where all I could do was trust Him. So, I fought and fought and cried and cried until I gave up and gave in. I began, slowly, to trust Him. I realized that He had more for me through this even though it seemed at the time that He had forgotten about me. Yet, I asked Him to allow me to trust Him.
During the testing of my faith and trust in Him I had to suffer. I have never really suffered before. Yes, I have endured trials and yes, they were difficult. But none like this. I have never felt pain so deep. I didn't know the pit of my stomach went down so far. The suffering made my bones ache. I never cried so hard. I felt like David when he cried out in the Psalms and said, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 13:1-2 Yet, I asked Him to allow me to share in His sufferings.
Through my suffering, I tried rejoicing; having the joy in all circumstances as Paul speaks of in Philippians. I looked to David once again in the Psalms: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6 I knew God would use me and this situation mightily.
Last night I received a phone call from an old and dear friend. Do you want to know how good the Lord is? I have tears in my eyes just typing this. She shared with me how this blog and my situation has helped her in her faith. I have received countless emails and phone calls telling me the same thing. I did not get it until last night. I sat on my closet floor crying. This is my hiding place. I shut all the doors so Scott and Jackson can't find me and cry in solace. However, this time was different. These were tears of joy. I asked God to use me mightily and He did. This was my "ah-ha" moment.
The Lord really is good and answers prayer even if it is in the most unfathomable ways. I am touched, honored, and privileged that He has chosen me for this journey. If one life was touched for His glory through all this then it was beyond worth it! I would take the journey all over again! I never knew how desperately I needed this season to come. I am sad to see it fade. However, I can leave this season and move to the next knowing that I was able to fellowship with Christ in His sufferings, felt the power of His resurrection, learned to truly trust Him, and allowed Him to use me mightily. Now I look to the future with great excitement. If God can be this big in my life what is He capable of; what does He have in store for me? I guess I will just have to be patient and trust Him to be mighty in my life.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
I was reading through my journal yesterday and found that I began praying for three things the weekend I became pregnant. The three things were as follows:
1. I want to fellowship with Christ even in His sufferings. Let me explain. I was reading through Philippians at the time and prayed what Paul said in chapter three verse ten in which he discusses his desire to know the power of the resurrection by sharing in His sufferings. I didn't want to know what dying on the cross was like exactly. I have not totally lost my mind. I did, however, want to experience more than my padded life that we all experience just by living in the United States.
2. I wanted to truly trust God not just say that I did. I say I trust God but do I really???
3. Finally, I prayed that God would use me mightily
The holidays came and nothing changed. I went about the routine of my faith. Then the storm came that second cold week in January. All of a sudden I had to trust God. I also had to suffer. In the midst of the trial I was lost. I had no idea what God was doing. I was forced to trust God because the situation was so beyond my control. There was nothing I could do. This was difficult for me especially since I am a control addict! God knows me so well, though, that He put me in a situation where all I could do was trust Him. So, I fought and fought and cried and cried until I gave up and gave in. I began, slowly, to trust Him. I realized that He had more for me through this even though it seemed at the time that He had forgotten about me. Yet, I asked Him to allow me to trust Him.
During the testing of my faith and trust in Him I had to suffer. I have never really suffered before. Yes, I have endured trials and yes, they were difficult. But none like this. I have never felt pain so deep. I didn't know the pit of my stomach went down so far. The suffering made my bones ache. I never cried so hard. I felt like David when he cried out in the Psalms and said, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 13:1-2 Yet, I asked Him to allow me to share in His sufferings.
Through my suffering, I tried rejoicing; having the joy in all circumstances as Paul speaks of in Philippians. I looked to David once again in the Psalms: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6 I knew God would use me and this situation mightily.
Last night I received a phone call from an old and dear friend. Do you want to know how good the Lord is? I have tears in my eyes just typing this. She shared with me how this blog and my situation has helped her in her faith. I have received countless emails and phone calls telling me the same thing. I did not get it until last night. I sat on my closet floor crying. This is my hiding place. I shut all the doors so Scott and Jackson can't find me and cry in solace. However, this time was different. These were tears of joy. I asked God to use me mightily and He did. This was my "ah-ha" moment.
The Lord really is good and answers prayer even if it is in the most unfathomable ways. I am touched, honored, and privileged that He has chosen me for this journey. If one life was touched for His glory through all this then it was beyond worth it! I would take the journey all over again! I never knew how desperately I needed this season to come. I am sad to see it fade. However, I can leave this season and move to the next knowing that I was able to fellowship with Christ in His sufferings, felt the power of His resurrection, learned to truly trust Him, and allowed Him to use me mightily. Now I look to the future with great excitement. If God can be this big in my life what is He capable of; what does He have in store for me? I guess I will just have to be patient and trust Him to be mighty in my life.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
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