Tuesday Thoughts...

I didn't follow through on Monday Musings so I thought I'd share my thoughts today. I have been wavering back and forth with what to write. I thought maybe I'd get some profound epiphanies through the scripture I read today but that didn't happen. Unfortunately my mind kept wandering back to surrender. A topic I didn't want to face.

We had communion at church Sunday. Now, I always get a little weepy during this but Sunday it was uncontrollable. I couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough. No, I wasn't sad. I was scared. I hadn't completely surrendered to God some things I needed to let go of and knew I needed to. I had one of those heart pounding moments where I knew I had to do something but didn't want to because the road might be difficult. Notice how I said "might." I don't really know if the road after surrender will be tough, I just assume it will. I set myself up to deal with the worst even though the worst hasn't been presented to me.

I limit God in His awesome abilities by not truly surrendering. I have been looking everywhere for a sign preparing me for the fall. You know the thoughts: everything is calm, things are starting to look up, there has to be a storm brewing around the corner; some bad news to come my way. Gosh, is this a way to live??? Absolutely not!!!! And the funny thing is all the scripture I have read has been encouraging, worship songs I have heard inspiring, and things in the lives of those I love going good.

However, I am one to freak myself out and worry to death over what might be in order to "prepare" myself for the worst. Eck! This is not a healthy way to live. I remember a little bit after Scott proposed to me I would cry out of fear that I would marry this man and something bad would happen (ex: divorce). He was what my heart longed for and there was no way I was to be that blessed. So, I began to freak myself out thinking somethng had to go wrong. I remember my sweet fiance at the time saying to me, "Just enjoy being engaged. Don't worry about tomorrow or what might never happen. Just enjoy today and being engaged today." That "pep talk" has stuck with me these past 6 years. Needless to say he has had many more of those with me over the years of our marriage:) But, I look back and can honestly ask myself, "What was I so afraid of?" I have a near perfect marriage to a man that is beyond incredible. I feared for nothing. What a waste of time.

So,there I sat on Sunday with the bread and grape juice in my lap tears falling. I knew I had to surrender. Life is too good to waste on worrying about what might be, or what might never be for that matter. Right then and there in my seat I surrendered. I let go and felt a sense of calm and freedom like no other. It was wonderful. I let God take the wheel if only for a moment.

I must admit to you that I am a "worry about what might be" addict and it is going to take time for me to overcome this. That afternoon I cried a little to Scott asking him to pray for peace for me because I once again grabbed onto that fear I had let go of only hours before. I have even had moments today where I have had to pray a prayer of surrender to God. Even though I haven't fully let go, I know I am in the process of doing so. God does not ask for perfection. He just asks for me to try with an honest heart. If I could just let go on my own I wouldn't need Him. So, I enter another moment feeling free, if only for a second. I will pray again and surrender seeking the God I so desperately want to take the reigns. And He will. I just have to let go...