It's no surprise that I am the more vocal (let's be honest, loud) one of my marriage. I knew exactly who Scott was when I decided to marry him but that has not stopped me from trying to mold him into what he is not: me. Over the years I have recklessly tried and failed to make Scott's faith look like mine. I have struggled to morph him into myself socially. And I hit wall after wall trying to get him to be on the go all the time. He doesn't thrive on conflict, nor does he pick fights with me. Oftentimes, he goes along for the ride even if he is completely uncomfortable or annoyed. We end up having talk after talk hashing out the common theme over and over: Scott is not me.
It's taken me years to realize what I was doing. I don't think I was pushing Scott to behave more like me consciously. Instead, I would subconsciously expect him to react a certain way, demonstrate certain behaviors, and be excited to go hang out with 100 people he didn't know. I knew he was different than me, vastly different, yet, my expectations of him mirrored expectations I had for myself. I figured if I enjoyed something, he would. I assumed when we started teaching our boys about our faith it would mirror mine. I desired him to know things he couldn't possibly know unless he was some Jedi mind reader. I was compartmentalizing a man God had created specifically for me to be someone he wasn't and I was losing big time. I was often disappointed and not because of Scott. I was disappointed because my expectations didn't match the person.
"Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn’t find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the darkened city. “Have you seen my dear lost love?” I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn’t let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire." Song of Solomon 3:4
Oh, how I love Song of Solomon! I read this verse and feel the pining for each other. I am taking this a little out of context, but this verse spoke to me differently when I thought about how I pine after my husband. You may have heard this verse or read it on a Pinterest board saying, "I have found the one whom my soul loved." I have to ask myself...who am I searching for? Am I searching for the husband God created for me or am I searching for the one I created in my mind? Because if it's the latter, I am going to live a life constantly searching and never fulfilled. If I look for the man God created to love me and teach me how to love, than I will find the man standing before me beautifully imperfect perfectly for me.
Scott wasn't created to complete me. He wasn't created to fill my love tank completely. And, he most definitely wasn't created to be me. So, what was he created for? He was created to teach me how to love as Christ loves. He was created to show me, teach me, and challenge me to be more like Christ. If I am looking for him to complete me, I will never be filled. Only God can do that. If I am looking for him to fill me with love, I will be disappointed. Only God can fill my love tank. And we all know he will never be me and that makes me, and all of us, happy.
I think we look to our partners for too much expecting them to fulfill us in a way that only God can. We set the bar high expecting them to behave, react, and love the way we would not how God intended. We fight our marriages instead of allowing them to play out the way God intended: a journey closer to God individually so that you may grow closer to one another the closer you get to Him.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
When Scott and I got back together after a break-up, James 1:17 played repeatedly in my mind. I truly believed God gave me a good and perfect gift in Scott. It's about time I start treating him that way.
Blessings,
Meg
It's taken me years to realize what I was doing. I don't think I was pushing Scott to behave more like me consciously. Instead, I would subconsciously expect him to react a certain way, demonstrate certain behaviors, and be excited to go hang out with 100 people he didn't know. I knew he was different than me, vastly different, yet, my expectations of him mirrored expectations I had for myself. I figured if I enjoyed something, he would. I assumed when we started teaching our boys about our faith it would mirror mine. I desired him to know things he couldn't possibly know unless he was some Jedi mind reader. I was compartmentalizing a man God had created specifically for me to be someone he wasn't and I was losing big time. I was often disappointed and not because of Scott. I was disappointed because my expectations didn't match the person.
"Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn’t find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the darkened city. “Have you seen my dear lost love?” I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn’t let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire." Song of Solomon 3:4
Oh, how I love Song of Solomon! I read this verse and feel the pining for each other. I am taking this a little out of context, but this verse spoke to me differently when I thought about how I pine after my husband. You may have heard this verse or read it on a Pinterest board saying, "I have found the one whom my soul loved." I have to ask myself...who am I searching for? Am I searching for the husband God created for me or am I searching for the one I created in my mind? Because if it's the latter, I am going to live a life constantly searching and never fulfilled. If I look for the man God created to love me and teach me how to love, than I will find the man standing before me beautifully imperfect perfectly for me.
Scott wasn't created to complete me. He wasn't created to fill my love tank completely. And, he most definitely wasn't created to be me. So, what was he created for? He was created to teach me how to love as Christ loves. He was created to show me, teach me, and challenge me to be more like Christ. If I am looking for him to complete me, I will never be filled. Only God can do that. If I am looking for him to fill me with love, I will be disappointed. Only God can fill my love tank. And we all know he will never be me and that makes me, and all of us, happy.
I think we look to our partners for too much expecting them to fulfill us in a way that only God can. We set the bar high expecting them to behave, react, and love the way we would not how God intended. We fight our marriages instead of allowing them to play out the way God intended: a journey closer to God individually so that you may grow closer to one another the closer you get to Him.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
When Scott and I got back together after a break-up, James 1:17 played repeatedly in my mind. I truly believed God gave me a good and perfect gift in Scott. It's about time I start treating him that way.
Blessings,
Meg
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