I have got to talk about something I don't want to talk about. But, this is necessary. One thing I love about this space is the vulnerability it provides. Being vulnerable is scary. You are letting people in to see the depths of your soul; those things you stuff down deep and hope and pray do not see the light of day. For me, vulnerability brings realness. Vulnerability enables real relationship to happen. Vulnerability brings healing, peace, and strength. So, here goes.
Let me start by saying I am a VERY competitive individual. Not with you or my husband or others. Where I am most competitive is with myself. I know that sounds bizarre, but its how I am wired. Tell me I can't do a single leg push-up while suspended in a TRX band and I will work on that until I master it just to prove that I can; to prove to myself that I can. So, when I can't overcome something, when something gets a hold of me just right and I can't overtake it, I get mad at myself and try to stuff it away. Maybe if I run or hide from this issue it will rid itself. Bad idea. SUPER bad idea.
It's no secret that I hate our spring storms in Texas. I take that back. I love our spring storms in Texa,s but I do not love the tornado potential. The storms here are absolutely majestic. There is something magical and supernatural about them. The sounds of the thunder and pounding rain are soothing (again, when they are not tornado warned). However, you put a tornado watch or warning on that bad boy and I am done for the day. Y'all, I get crazy anxious. Let me put this in perspective. Yesterday, we were on a PDS tornado watch. This is not your run-of-the-mill tornado watch. This is a "Potentially Dangerous Situation" watch. What does that mean? It means that odds are, you are going to have very large long-track tornadoes with the storms that fire up. So, what do I want to do in this situation besides crawl into a corner in the fetal position? I want to pack my bags and run. And I did just that. Well, I packed our bags anyway.
"Satan does not want you to do what he wants you to do. Satan wants you to do what you want to do." Dr. Jeff Owens
I wanted to run yesterday. I wanted to get the heck out of dodge and out of harms way. My severely anxious self did not want to sit and wait for what might occur. In my anxious illogical mind, I decided that running was our best option. My husband, however, did not agree. And I was mad. We had a fight like we haven't had in years. I am talking like 19 years. The last time I remember us getting that upset with each other was our first year of marriage and it hasn't happened since. We've had our disagreements over the years, but not this heated. In that moment, I wanted to run. Satan wasn't convincing me to do what he wanted me to do. He convinced me that my crazy idea was best leading me to fight with my husband for it.
I share all this because I know that SO many of us suffer from depression and anxiety. So many of us deal daily with the plight of these issues. And we do it alone. We are isolated because those that do not deal with these issues in their lives don't understand. Scott loves me so well. I mean, so very well. He is patient and kind and patient (Did I say that already?). But, he will be the first to admit that he doesn't understand my insane antics when it comes to my anxiousness and spring storms. I have got to learn to back off and give him some grace when he doesn't understand. He isn't showing a lack of compassion. He just can't relate. That doesn't discredit his love for me.
So, now what? How do I handle my anxiety when I storm blows through? I would like to say that I do all the right Christian things. I would like to say that I chant those memory verses and always get on my knees to pray. But I don't. I think that's the hardest part of the struggle for me. I am this Bible believing chick. Why can't I pull it together in these moments and rest in His perfect peace? Because I am human. So, I do my best to rest in His Word and His promises. He's seen me through a lot in my short life, why would He stop now. I remember that He is good even when we get hurt. I remember that He calls me to pray for His protection and provision so I do. I also immerse myself in music that reminds me of all this stuff.
I also have my people. I have my one friend that I go to in times like these. She's my rock in so many capacities but especially here in this extremely vulnerable area of my life. She lets me be all the crazy anxious I want and then she settles me. She reminds me to give it to God and that He is near. I also listen to my husband. I (try to) let him lead and, this is a hard one for me, let him set boundaries on me. What? You probably all just thought I lost my mind and am now controlled by my husband. Not the case. Yesterday, I wanted to run. He said no (There were more words than "no" but for the sake of time, we will leave it there). Everything in my being wanted to go. Everything. But my body was glued to my house. It was the weirdest feeling. As much as I wanted to tell my husband he was wrong and we needed to go, he was every bit right.
You see, I wasn't running from the storms. They never even developed into anything but a good old fashioned thunderstorm (thank God). I was running from my issue. I was running from my fear. And if Scott would have given into my crazy plan, he would have enabled my anxiety to continue and sadly, I would have taught my boys that running is a solution to a problem.
I am learning to face my fears head on and that means doing some very uncomfortable things (like admitting this issue here on the world-wide web). I shut myself in our bedroom yesterday afternoon after our argument. I needed space and I needed to cry. Scott came in a short time later and told me he was taking Grady to his baseball game. This was one of our arguments. I didn't think it was safe to go. Anyway, the last place I wanted to be if something happened was separated from my family. So, I picked myself up off the floor (literally) and I went to the game. Was a a little scared and apprehensive? You bet! But I knew I had to do this. I knew I couldn't let fear and anxiety rule my life. I knew God wanted better for me. I sat at his game and watched one of the best games of the season. I also checked the radar and weathermen on my phone in between innings. Hey, you have to start somewhere, right?!?! Writing this blog is also a way of facing my fears. Because now you all know I am flawed. But that's ok. We all are.
You are not alone. You do not have to stay in this space. You were not created to live in fear, anxiety, or depression. Find your people. Find those that will love you through this but also help you get to the other side. Give grace to those that don't understand. It helps. I promise. Get yourself help. I know this is an issue of mine and I know I need help outside of my friends, family, and my Bible. Pray. Pray a lot. And remember how far He has gotten you so far...make a list of all the ways He has pulled you through. You will be surprised how long it is.
One thing I heard over and over again this week was, "How can I use you if you don't trust Me?" God's right. He can't use me if I don't trust Him. This is where I start. Where I find healing: trusting Him.
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
I don't want my pride to get in the way having me put on that brave face pretending everything is okay all the time. I'd rather humble myself finding grace and healing in the humility.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
Let me start by saying I am a VERY competitive individual. Not with you or my husband or others. Where I am most competitive is with myself. I know that sounds bizarre, but its how I am wired. Tell me I can't do a single leg push-up while suspended in a TRX band and I will work on that until I master it just to prove that I can; to prove to myself that I can. So, when I can't overcome something, when something gets a hold of me just right and I can't overtake it, I get mad at myself and try to stuff it away. Maybe if I run or hide from this issue it will rid itself. Bad idea. SUPER bad idea.
It's no secret that I hate our spring storms in Texas. I take that back. I love our spring storms in Texa,s but I do not love the tornado potential. The storms here are absolutely majestic. There is something magical and supernatural about them. The sounds of the thunder and pounding rain are soothing (again, when they are not tornado warned). However, you put a tornado watch or warning on that bad boy and I am done for the day. Y'all, I get crazy anxious. Let me put this in perspective. Yesterday, we were on a PDS tornado watch. This is not your run-of-the-mill tornado watch. This is a "Potentially Dangerous Situation" watch. What does that mean? It means that odds are, you are going to have very large long-track tornadoes with the storms that fire up. So, what do I want to do in this situation besides crawl into a corner in the fetal position? I want to pack my bags and run. And I did just that. Well, I packed our bags anyway.
"Satan does not want you to do what he wants you to do. Satan wants you to do what you want to do." Dr. Jeff Owens
I wanted to run yesterday. I wanted to get the heck out of dodge and out of harms way. My severely anxious self did not want to sit and wait for what might occur. In my anxious illogical mind, I decided that running was our best option. My husband, however, did not agree. And I was mad. We had a fight like we haven't had in years. I am talking like 19 years. The last time I remember us getting that upset with each other was our first year of marriage and it hasn't happened since. We've had our disagreements over the years, but not this heated. In that moment, I wanted to run. Satan wasn't convincing me to do what he wanted me to do. He convinced me that my crazy idea was best leading me to fight with my husband for it.
I share all this because I know that SO many of us suffer from depression and anxiety. So many of us deal daily with the plight of these issues. And we do it alone. We are isolated because those that do not deal with these issues in their lives don't understand. Scott loves me so well. I mean, so very well. He is patient and kind and patient (Did I say that already?). But, he will be the first to admit that he doesn't understand my insane antics when it comes to my anxiousness and spring storms. I have got to learn to back off and give him some grace when he doesn't understand. He isn't showing a lack of compassion. He just can't relate. That doesn't discredit his love for me.
So, now what? How do I handle my anxiety when I storm blows through? I would like to say that I do all the right Christian things. I would like to say that I chant those memory verses and always get on my knees to pray. But I don't. I think that's the hardest part of the struggle for me. I am this Bible believing chick. Why can't I pull it together in these moments and rest in His perfect peace? Because I am human. So, I do my best to rest in His Word and His promises. He's seen me through a lot in my short life, why would He stop now. I remember that He is good even when we get hurt. I remember that He calls me to pray for His protection and provision so I do. I also immerse myself in music that reminds me of all this stuff.
I also have my people. I have my one friend that I go to in times like these. She's my rock in so many capacities but especially here in this extremely vulnerable area of my life. She lets me be all the crazy anxious I want and then she settles me. She reminds me to give it to God and that He is near. I also listen to my husband. I (try to) let him lead and, this is a hard one for me, let him set boundaries on me. What? You probably all just thought I lost my mind and am now controlled by my husband. Not the case. Yesterday, I wanted to run. He said no (There were more words than "no" but for the sake of time, we will leave it there). Everything in my being wanted to go. Everything. But my body was glued to my house. It was the weirdest feeling. As much as I wanted to tell my husband he was wrong and we needed to go, he was every bit right.
You see, I wasn't running from the storms. They never even developed into anything but a good old fashioned thunderstorm (thank God). I was running from my issue. I was running from my fear. And if Scott would have given into my crazy plan, he would have enabled my anxiety to continue and sadly, I would have taught my boys that running is a solution to a problem.
I am learning to face my fears head on and that means doing some very uncomfortable things (like admitting this issue here on the world-wide web). I shut myself in our bedroom yesterday afternoon after our argument. I needed space and I needed to cry. Scott came in a short time later and told me he was taking Grady to his baseball game. This was one of our arguments. I didn't think it was safe to go. Anyway, the last place I wanted to be if something happened was separated from my family. So, I picked myself up off the floor (literally) and I went to the game. Was a a little scared and apprehensive? You bet! But I knew I had to do this. I knew I couldn't let fear and anxiety rule my life. I knew God wanted better for me. I sat at his game and watched one of the best games of the season. I also checked the radar and weathermen on my phone in between innings. Hey, you have to start somewhere, right?!?! Writing this blog is also a way of facing my fears. Because now you all know I am flawed. But that's ok. We all are.
You are not alone. You do not have to stay in this space. You were not created to live in fear, anxiety, or depression. Find your people. Find those that will love you through this but also help you get to the other side. Give grace to those that don't understand. It helps. I promise. Get yourself help. I know this is an issue of mine and I know I need help outside of my friends, family, and my Bible. Pray. Pray a lot. And remember how far He has gotten you so far...make a list of all the ways He has pulled you through. You will be surprised how long it is.
One thing I heard over and over again this week was, "How can I use you if you don't trust Me?" God's right. He can't use me if I don't trust Him. This is where I start. Where I find healing: trusting Him.
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
I don't want my pride to get in the way having me put on that brave face pretending everything is okay all the time. I'd rather humble myself finding grace and healing in the humility.
Love & Blessings,
Meg
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