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Flawsome

"She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her." Proverbs 3:15

Worthless. I was singing the blues. Call post-vacation melancholy. Call it searching for meaning in life. I don't know what it was exactly, but I wasn't feeling it.

"...the internal voice that tells me to hustle can find a to-do list in my living room as easily as it can in an office. It's not about paid employment. It's about trusting the hustle will never make you feel the way you want to feel. In that way, it's a drug, and I fall for the initial rush every time; if I push enough, I will feel whole. I will feel proud, I will feel happy. What I feel, though, is exhausted and resentful, but with well-organized closets." Present Over Perfect, Shauna Niequist

I needed my tribe. I text my circle and they rallied. I was feeling useless. No one sees the dishes I wash and counter tops I wipe down. My life encompasses children who slowly-but-surely need me less. My pre-kid life was full of determination and goals. I walked across the stage to receive my Master's degree pregnant with my first born on his due date. I never thought I'd stay home. I am a go-getter that needs something to accomplish most of the time. I found things to fill my time and fill that void but I am getting antsy.

I know in my heart and soul that there is nothing on this planet like being a mom. No matter what I have done or will do, mothering is by far my most challenging task. I love being a mom. I love and appreciate even more that I get to stay home with my boys. It's a privilege I will never complain about. I, however, am feeling the need for more. I need something for just me; something to give me meaning and purpose in a new capacity.

Because of this internal desire burning down deep, I began to feel worthless. I felt like doing the everyday wasn't enough. I can only find so much fulfillment in folding other people's underwear. I'm just sayin'.

So, I went to my tribe. I trust them with my heart and they showed up exponentially. They reminded me of who I am and to Whom I belong. They reminded me that I am not alone and that we all experience feelings of inadequacy. One of my friends that I've known since I was 14 reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made' in Christ for a purpose (Psalm 139:14). She told me I am both awesome and flawed...flawsome...perfect in His image. They reminded me that questioning my worth is good for growth. They were there, real, reminding me of who I am: flawsome. I am loved fully and completely by the One who gave His life for me. I am surrounded my strong, compassionate, generous women that acknowledge my self-worth challenging me and loving me walking right beside me on this journey. I also have a husband that would give up everything in order to support me.

You see, this whole summer of reset is reminding me that my value doesn't come from the seen. My worthiness is found in an unseen Savior, Who, when you open your heart and soul wide enough, will show you how loved you truly are.

My six year old came in as I was writing this post. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was blogging about what I should be when I grow up. He reminded me that I already am grown-up (Although I don't feel like it on most days.). I asked him what mommy should do for work. His response was perfectly stated. He said, "I like you just the way you are, Mommy." You know what WB, I'm learning to like me just the way I am too.

"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it."
Psalm 139:14 (NLT)

Love & Blessings,
Meg

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