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Wiping the Dust Off & Letting Go of the Fear

I am in the process of wiping the dust off and getting up from my fall this morning. When I woke up early I didn't think the tears would stop flowing. I was aching for some relief; begging God for just a little peace; a tiny sense of hope. For the moment, the tears have stopped. I am doing "better" at the present time. I didn't stay in my pj's all day moping. Thankfully a great friend gave me a call this morning and didn't allow that to happen! I am BEYOND appreciative for that phone call and invitation! You will never know how much I needed to get out of the house. Jack and I went to a play date with some amazingly beautiful mommies and their precious children. Jackson laughed a ton and had a blast which blessed my heart.

I know with all of my being that I am GREATLY blessed. I am blessed to just wake up in the morning and be given another day and the breath of life which we all take for granted. Within that day I get to play with my precious son, enjoy my beautiful and comfortable home, see and talk to the most AMAZING friends and family, and cherish my husband and near perfect marriage. I am healthy and so are my family and friends. I have a pretty darn good life. I am on my knees daily thanking the good Lord for these tremendous blessings! He is faithful!

As most of you, I have dreams that go beyond the present blessings God has so generously given. I dream of being able to do great things for those I love. I dream of someday teaching again or somehow impacting children's lives in a positive and rich way. I dream that my son can live a fruitful life filled with joy and laughter. I dream of growing old with my husband and looking back on the adventure life has taken us. I also have a dream to have another child. I know that now is not the time that God desires me to have another. I get that and am okay with that. I just don't know if my dream is His dream. If our dreams do not match, it will be okay. I will be okay. I just have to process the fact that my dream could possibly be lost...not lost, per say, but changed.

God does have a great plan for me, us. I know this. However, for me, sometimes it is difficult to get my heart in-line with my mind; what I know. It's a process that I have to go through but am always stronger and better for it on the other side. I just wish I could jump over the "process" and go straight to the "other side." My issue now, however, is letting go. I have to let go of the fear that I have. I have not been told I cannot have more children, yet. However, I fear it greatly. But He calls me not to fear. In fearing I am going against Him. I ask forgiveness.

I wrote in a previous post about "laying my Isaac down." Boy was I bold in that post. I seriously go back and read my own posts to encourage myself wondering who the heck wrote it because it sure couldn't have been me! Some days I can lay it all down in the morning and go on with my day cheerfully. Other days I have to lay it down numerous times. Today is a day in which I have to lay it down moment by moment. I have to let go of the fear but I am afraid to. Doesn't that sound silly. I am afraid to let go of the fear. Hmmm....I wonder what a psychologist would say about that:)

I am a control freak. I want to be in control, and think I am in control, of pretty much everything. When things get "out of control" I clean and feel in control again. Hey, if everything is where it belongs then all is good:) I know, crazy but it is who I am. By the way, I vigorously cleaned the house yesterday and I did feel better for a second...lol. To continue, this past year has taught me that I have absolutely NO control over what happens in my life. I can make choices this way or that but if something is going to happen it is going to happen regardless of what I do. However, I have a choice. I can choose to let the fear override me and consume me or I can choose to live freely letting go of all that binds me. I pick the latter.

With all that said, I choose to lay down the fear, sadness, and control. He is God. He created the stars, the beauty that surrounds us, my precious son, He knows the number of hairs on my head (and that's a TON). He is bigger than me, bigger than this! He doesn't get pleasure out of watching me suffer. No. He wipes every tear I shed. He doesn't desire me to be in fear. He desires me to trust Him. I must stop putting Him in a box and allow Him to show me how BIG and POWERFUL and ALMIGHTY and GLORIOUS He is!

So, for this moment I am choosing to lay it down and trust Him. I know I will have to lay it down again, but at least I am surrendering, if only for a moment.

A Worship Song I Love:

I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus
I'm grateful for the things you've done
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus.
My heart is glad that you've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be-
Than in Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love,
Holding me close, holding me near
In Your arms of love!

"I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me!" Phil 4:13

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in EVERYTHING give thanks for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1Thess. 5: 16-18

"Therefore encourage one another, and build up one another, just as you also are doing." 1Thess. 5:11 ~No words can describe how encouraged I have felt from all of you holding me up during this time! I truly hope and pray that I may hold you up one day and that the Lord blesses you MIGHTILY for encouraging me so faithfully!

Comments

Carly Peters said…
Sean and I prayed for you this morning. I'm so glad you are doing better and God has blessed you with such great support. We love you! Tell Scott we say hi!

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