Skip to main content

Cripling

Fear. Anxiety. Unknown. Shaken. Worry. Paralysis. My mom tells a story about me when I was three years old. I used to play in our backyard and collect snails. Don't judge. I was quite the tomboy as a kid. I would take these snails and line them up in a perfect row. I would have them "march" and get upset if they got out of line. The underlying joke in our family is that I have not changed. I like my things, my life, lined up perfectly. If something gets out of place, I get upset. While I know ultimately I am not in control, I strive for this life of stability and all my ducks in a row. I have learned that this is not how God works. He loves to bless us and give us an abundant life but will move and shift in our lives so that our faith will grow and flourish. I think He thought it awfully funny when He designed our family. Jackson was planned and his birth and the timing of it, perfect. Grady and Wyatt? Not so much. Their pregnancies and births were a whirlwind. I believe giving me three boys so close in age makes God giggle. He knew the chaos it would create and how opposite this was of my personality. I clean up one disaster only to turn around to another. Giving me chaos through my children wasn't enough, though. He needed to get my attention more bodly. So, Scott began to travel for work, we put our house on the market, it sold in 21 days, and He moved us into a small space far from the only area I knew and where I was completely comfortable. He also added a foreman who was difficult to work with. As strange as this sounds, He knew exactly what I needed. When we first moved I was excited for the adventure ahead. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He led us to this place; this mark on our journey. What I wasn't prepared for was how my body, mind, heart, and soul would react. Over the past six months I have traveled to a place I never thought I would land. I am an emotional creature. I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. However, I usually have my moment and move on. Last Wednesday, however, I could not move on. I could not pull myself out of the "moment" I was having. I began having chest pains and experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety. The scariest part was that I felt out of control. I could not contain my fear. I was out of control. Thankfully I am surrounded by an abundance of love. My friend basically forced me to go to the doctor (I am forever thankful) and God provided the most amazing doctor. He checked my heart since I was convinced I was having a heart attack and found nothing. Praise the Lord. What he did find after spending time talking with me is that I am under a lot of stress and anxiety. I felt better knowing my heart was healthy but I felt defeated and disappointed in myself at the same time. It's taken me a week to share my story. The weekend after my demise was our women's conference coincidentally entitled, Fearless. I was scared to go (go figure) because I knew my mental and emotional state and didn't want to hear all these sob stories that have been infiltrating my life for months now and feel like this life is only about suffering. Thankfully the conference was quite the opposite. I left feeling empowered and ready to take back my life. You see, this battle for my mind, body, and soul has nothing to do with me and this world. It has everything to do with Him, the plans HE has for my life and my purpose, and the spiritual battle that is occurring trying to keep me from fulfilling what He created me to do. If Satan gets a hold of me just right, he can tranquilize me from living to my fullest potential for Him. I left filling bold, courageous, and ready to live fully in light of His glory and grace. I no longer want to be afraid. I don't want to question or fear the unknowns. I want to live for Him in each moment of everyday. I share my story for two reasons. I believe there are countless women in my predicament. We are battling to stay sane; to not fear what might be and I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.. I also share my story because there is a very real battle going on for our souls. Many of us are succumbing to the enemy allowing him to paralyze us so that we stop living preventing others from seeing the kingdom of God. I am not cured. I still fear, worry, and fret. But now I know the source and I am ready for battle. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given you. But when you ask, you must believe because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:2-6

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Notoriety

Teenage Mother A donkey owner Simon of Cyrene Who are these people? I am sure you can figure out the first one: Mary the mother of Jesus. Who are the others and what do all three of these people have in common? They all did extraordinary things but, for the most part, went unseen. Do you ever feel unseen? Undervalued? I do. I try not to get caught up in that space, but I find myself there too often. While Mary is infamous today, she wasn't when she brought the King into this world. She was a teenager who gave birth in a barn. She was an outcast who was pregnant but not married. She told of an unbelievable story involving an angel, a Spirit, and a Savior who was going to save the world. Could you even imagine? It's easy for us to be in awe of Mary. We know the whole story. She didn't. And neither did the people around her. She had to live it. To top it all off, she had to watch her beloved son die a gruesome death. Talk about feeling unseen and undervalued. She faithfu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Don't Lose You

When Jackson was a baby, I would hop into my car on my lunch break and rush to his day care to see him. I had thirty minutes with my baby and I needed every last second. I was a mess of a new mom and had a really hard time leaving him everyday. I was caught in the conundrum of loving teaching with all that I was and loving being a mom desperately wanting to stay home. I established a neat relationship with Jack's care-takers. They were a little older than me and much wiser. They will never fully know how appreciative I am for their advice and comfort during those beginning moments as a mama. When I decided to leave my teaching career and move halfway across the country to do so, they gave me a piece of advice that I didn't take seriously initially but now hold dear. They told me I had to find something for me. They watched me finish my master's that year and knew I was the type that needed to be doing. They recognized that I was about to enter a season where I had to hold...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Promise Land

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 We Christians like this verse; like A LOT. We have it written all over the place. We hang this verse up in our home and tattoo it to our bodies. Jeremiah 29:11 is everyone's life verse. I mean, who doesn't want to rest in knowing the God has a plan for our life; especially when that plan includes safety and prosperity. Even if I didn't believe in God, I would hold onto this verse. What if, however, we have been misinterpreting this verse all these years? This life, the here and the now, we like it. Well, some of us probably want to throw this life in the trash like a rough draft and have a do-over. But, for the most part, we hold onto this life for dear life. It is all we know. It can be scary to think of anything else. Because of this, we go all in even when the cards we are dealt are bad. Thi...
Post a Comment
Read more