Since I was a kid, I have always loved to write. I had countless journals and would doodle all day long. I remember in sixth grade I wrote the first and last name of the boy I had a crush on over and over again on the brown paper cover of my book. I love words. They litter the walls of my home. My dad once said to me that he saw me writing a book someday. I thought he was crazy. Although I am a wordy person and love to write, I am, like most people, my own worst critic. I don't hear or see the value of my words. Most of the time I see the numerous grammatical errors and passive voice. I remember meeting with my professor when I was writing my project for my masters. The theme was the same at each meeting: the content was great. I just needed to work on grammar and passive voice. I haven't changed much. I still like to talk passively and flip back and forth from present to past tense. It is who I am and I know I am flawed.
The past two weeks have wrecked me a little inside. The word, "failure", keeps ringing loudly in my head; so loud that I haven't been able to move my fingers across my keyboard. My worth and value is depleted not by what anyone has said or done to me, no. The culprit is the self-critic that dwells within. Sometimes I cannot hush that voice: "Your words are meaningless. There are so many writers out there that are far better than you. Your ideas are a mess and make no sense. Stop talking about Jesus for goodness sakes! Someone else has already written on that topic and done a much better job." I can go on and on like this for days. And then I read a post by one of my favorite authors who was discouraged starting a new book. She felt similar feelings: this has already been said and written about before. No need to talk about it again. She pushed passed that nonsense and opened her heart to the idea that while our stories may mirror the same topic, our experiences and the roads we travel vary. God has breathed words into our lives in unique and beautiful ways. Share those words. I rested there for awhile.
A few days later, a sweet friend of mine and someone whom I admire greatly, tagged me in a post about failure. That doesn't sound very kind but let me tell you, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at the time. The premise of the video showed a man trying out for the NBA. He was an above average player and after being told countless times that he was too talented to keep playing at the local gym, he decided to go for it. He let a camera crew follow his experience. He didn't end up making the team but he gained so much more in the failure. The video taught me that I will fall and fail if I take the risk to get where I want to go. That's part of the journey. Success in my dreams comes with a price and sometimes that price looks like scraped up knees and a beaten down spirit. Honestly, knowing that gives me the push to move forward.
God has given all of us a story. Am I willing to risk failure to get there? I sit here writing holding back the tears. If I am being vulnerable and honest with you, and ultimately with myself, this is exactly what I want to do: I want to write and share this crazy messy life of mine and how faith moves me along the road. I don't know if this is exactly what God is calling me to do but I will chase this dream until he tells me no because there is something along the highway to my dream that excites me even if that means I may fail in the process.
Funny enough, I shut down the Christmas music and turned on some worship when I sat down to write today. I stared at the blinking cursor when a song came on that spoke so loud to my heart and spirit.
"Nothing's going to stop the plans you made for me
Nothing's going to take your love away
You have always been more than enough for me
Doesn't matter what I feel
Doesn't matter what I see
My hope will always be
Your promises to me
I'm casting out all fear
For your love has set me free
My hope will always be
Your promises to me"
~Elevation Worship~
His plans for me are going to succeed even when I fall flat on my face. I have nothing to fear even when I am staring challenge square in the eyes. He is my hope. He has always been and will always be my hope. He will guide me along the path if I allow. I invite Him into this journey and pray He orders my steps even if that means He walks me straight into failure because I know He will meet me in that place. Here's to living out my crazy dreams!
Love & Blessings,
Meg
The past two weeks have wrecked me a little inside. The word, "failure", keeps ringing loudly in my head; so loud that I haven't been able to move my fingers across my keyboard. My worth and value is depleted not by what anyone has said or done to me, no. The culprit is the self-critic that dwells within. Sometimes I cannot hush that voice: "Your words are meaningless. There are so many writers out there that are far better than you. Your ideas are a mess and make no sense. Stop talking about Jesus for goodness sakes! Someone else has already written on that topic and done a much better job." I can go on and on like this for days. And then I read a post by one of my favorite authors who was discouraged starting a new book. She felt similar feelings: this has already been said and written about before. No need to talk about it again. She pushed passed that nonsense and opened her heart to the idea that while our stories may mirror the same topic, our experiences and the roads we travel vary. God has breathed words into our lives in unique and beautiful ways. Share those words. I rested there for awhile.
A few days later, a sweet friend of mine and someone whom I admire greatly, tagged me in a post about failure. That doesn't sound very kind but let me tell you, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at the time. The premise of the video showed a man trying out for the NBA. He was an above average player and after being told countless times that he was too talented to keep playing at the local gym, he decided to go for it. He let a camera crew follow his experience. He didn't end up making the team but he gained so much more in the failure. The video taught me that I will fall and fail if I take the risk to get where I want to go. That's part of the journey. Success in my dreams comes with a price and sometimes that price looks like scraped up knees and a beaten down spirit. Honestly, knowing that gives me the push to move forward.
God has given all of us a story. Am I willing to risk failure to get there? I sit here writing holding back the tears. If I am being vulnerable and honest with you, and ultimately with myself, this is exactly what I want to do: I want to write and share this crazy messy life of mine and how faith moves me along the road. I don't know if this is exactly what God is calling me to do but I will chase this dream until he tells me no because there is something along the highway to my dream that excites me even if that means I may fail in the process.
Funny enough, I shut down the Christmas music and turned on some worship when I sat down to write today. I stared at the blinking cursor when a song came on that spoke so loud to my heart and spirit.
"Nothing's going to stop the plans you made for me
Nothing's going to take your love away
You have always been more than enough for me
Doesn't matter what I feel
Doesn't matter what I see
My hope will always be
Your promises to me
I'm casting out all fear
For your love has set me free
My hope will always be
Your promises to me"
~Elevation Worship~
His plans for me are going to succeed even when I fall flat on my face. I have nothing to fear even when I am staring challenge square in the eyes. He is my hope. He has always been and will always be my hope. He will guide me along the path if I allow. I invite Him into this journey and pray He orders my steps even if that means He walks me straight into failure because I know He will meet me in that place. Here's to living out my crazy dreams!
Love & Blessings,
Meg
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