"Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow." James 1:17
I found my good and perfect gift on May 27, 1996. Scott and I went on our first date twenty years ago. 20. I cannot believe it. I remember picking him up in the Chevy's parking lot. I drove my mom's 1989 red BMW. His car was in the shop. I don't know where my car was at the time. Maybe I wanted to impress him by showing up in a hot little car. We went to the movies around the corner. I can't remember what we saw. I just remember the day. I remember exactly what he looked like: clean shaven, military hair cut, with a waste smaller than mine. He had just gotten out of the army and I had just turned 18 about to graduate high school. I thought I knew it all and he was trying to discover life outside the military. We were young and the world was wide.
Twenty years seems like a lifetime but also seems short. I feel like Scott has been by my side forever. He's always on my left side. It's just where he fits. He's called me "Meg" and "Babe" for as long as I can remember. He may not like it much, but I call him "Scottie." He's had twenty years to get used to it.
We were, and still are, two vastly different people. I, a believer, when we met. He was not. I wanted marriage and kids and the American fairy tale. He wasn't quite sure. I, the outgoing on-the-go gal. He, the introvert homebody. Somehow our worlds collided, intertwined, and never unraveled. We dated for six years before we got married with a break-up in between. We were babies when we met trying to determine what this life was supposed to look like.
I thought given we have been together for twenty years now, I would share a little about what I've learned about love and sharing my life with another soul.
FAITH
The most important thing for me, for us, is that we cannot do this without our faith. It took us a little while to discover this. He didn't go to church and didn't believe in God when we met. This ultimately split us apart for a bit. Scott discovered his faith while we were apart and, quite frankly, so did I. I became a Christian in high school but needed some of my own faith discovery during my college years. When we did reunite, the number one discussion on the table was faith. I don't think, actually I know, we wouldn't be where we are today without the foundation of faith in our relationship and God at the center. Life would have swallowed us whole, spit us out, and broke us apart without Jesus.
CHANGE
Another thing I have learned is that I cannot change Scott. I get teased quite a bit about how stubborn I can be, but I honestly believe my better half can stand his ground better than anyone. For so long, for too long, I tried to change Scott. I am a fixer and I thought I could get him to believe in God and want marriage and kids. And then we broke up. Lesson learned...the hard way. What I have learned is that I need to allow space for both of us to grow and mature individually and together. We started off young and naive. We are not the same people we were 20 years ago (thank God). Through the years of change discovery, we have had to give each other grace to grow. That may mean a season of not really liking a certain aspect of the other person but never ever stopping the love we have for one another. We won't be the same people twenty years from now. I actually hope we aren't the same. I want to grow together not apart. That takes a lot of grace.
LOVE
Love is a verb. Actions speak boldly. I can say I love you to Scott and he to me and it mean nothing. Our actions towards one another show love. That means I do things for him expecting nothing in return just because I love him. I sacrifice parts of myself and things in my life because of my great love for this man. I look to God and see the sacrifice He made through his son, Jesus, because he loved me. Loving Scott should be no different. Marriage is a representation of Christ's love for the church so our love for one another should be the same. Love isn't about me. Love is about the other person. Love is action and I pray continuously that my love for Scott is seen and felt deep in his soul.
EXPECTATION
I like to put people on pedastools; especially those I look up to and admire. The problem with the pedastool is that the person will always fall. I can not create unrealistic expectations for my husband. I also cannot expect him to be me or do things the way I do. We are two separate people created to live two separate ways. Once I got this, I began to realize that our differences were meant to compliment each other not be at odds with one another. Of course Scott and I have expectations for one another (to love, honor, respect, help out, etc). But, I no longer put the bar so high and when he falls (and I will to), I am there to catch him with love, grace, and an understanding heart.
RESPECT
Respect is HUGE for me and for Scott too. It really is a give and take. Respect is another verb. Our actions speak volumes in terms of respect. How I speak to my husband is a biggie. What are my sons hearing? How are they seeing I treat their father? Scott never demands respect from me. He lives a life worthy of respect. My words should encourage and build up, not tear down. I need to support, listen, and walk beside even when I may not agree.
INTERESTS
I said before that Scott and I are vastly different. When we take personality tests, we are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. We have learned, however, that we must find things to do together and support each other's differences. That means I went to countless basketball games he played in even though I knew nothing of the sport. I became a fan because I wanted to be a part of my man's life. He goes to social outings with me even though he doesn't prefer crowds and would much rather be at home. We work out together because that is one thing we both like. We are both competitive and like to watch each other sweat a little. It's a turn on, what can I say. Try it. Lol. Being a part of each other's lives like this helps grow us closer and grows us to get out of our comfort zones and try something new.
WORK
Work is an easy one to ignore. Many of us don't do the same thing as our spouse for a living so it's easy to not get involved. One thing Scott and I have always done is talk about work with each other. Kids, other than his own, are not Scott's thing. But, he always took interest in my teaching and what I did day to day. I love hearing about what Scott is doing and who he is working with even if I don't understand the work lingo and all the acronyms. He asks me about my day with the kids and all my volunteering endeavors not necessarily because he wants to know all the details of the ladies Bible study I am a part of, but because he wants to know about me and what excites me. I feel the same way about him and his work. He spends a huge part of his time working. I want to be a part of that. It only makes the bond between us that much stronger.
DATE NIGHTS
When we moved to Texas, we had no one at first. We didn't have our community that could help us watch Jackson if we needed a night out. However, we found this drop-in childcare and that became our saving grace. We know the importance of getting time away with each other. We joke often about wanting to like each other when these boys are full-grown and out of our house. We need that precious one-on-one time together to remind us of why we fell in love in the first place. Sometimes we go to dinner. Sometimes we go on an overnight. Sometimes we drive around little country towns dreaming of living on acreage. Sometimes we stay in and watch a movie after the boys are in bed or sit on the patio and talk. It's never fancy. Just simple time together to regroup and reconnect. Date nights are precious to us.
INTIMACY
I saved the best for last. Ha. I remember when we were first married I was in ladies Bible study that talked about intimacy in marriage. The study talked about all the things that distract us from being intimate with our spouse and how sex is the one thing no one else can share with your mate (unless there's some issues). Being intimate is important. I know how easy it is to let this aspect of the relationship slide. It's usually one of the first things to go; especially if you have young kids. I get it. We had miscarriages and three babies 4 and under at one point. It seemed someone was always up during the night. However, we still had to make time for this. We had to get creative and that made it fun. I have learned that lack of intimacy leads to distance and after time, that distance can become a canyon in your marriage. Don't let this slide.
Scott and I have a long way to go. I pray we have many many more years together. And through all our mistakes that I know we are going to make, I pray that we learn and grow together through it all. Marriage is a marvelous ride if you allow it to be. Remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. That person is still there.
Find wonder together. Rest in mercy when things are tough. Give grace always. Be kind. And love relentlessly!
Love & Blessings,
Meg
I found my good and perfect gift on May 27, 1996. Scott and I went on our first date twenty years ago. 20. I cannot believe it. I remember picking him up in the Chevy's parking lot. I drove my mom's 1989 red BMW. His car was in the shop. I don't know where my car was at the time. Maybe I wanted to impress him by showing up in a hot little car. We went to the movies around the corner. I can't remember what we saw. I just remember the day. I remember exactly what he looked like: clean shaven, military hair cut, with a waste smaller than mine. He had just gotten out of the army and I had just turned 18 about to graduate high school. I thought I knew it all and he was trying to discover life outside the military. We were young and the world was wide.
Twenty years seems like a lifetime but also seems short. I feel like Scott has been by my side forever. He's always on my left side. It's just where he fits. He's called me "Meg" and "Babe" for as long as I can remember. He may not like it much, but I call him "Scottie." He's had twenty years to get used to it.
We were, and still are, two vastly different people. I, a believer, when we met. He was not. I wanted marriage and kids and the American fairy tale. He wasn't quite sure. I, the outgoing on-the-go gal. He, the introvert homebody. Somehow our worlds collided, intertwined, and never unraveled. We dated for six years before we got married with a break-up in between. We were babies when we met trying to determine what this life was supposed to look like.
I thought given we have been together for twenty years now, I would share a little about what I've learned about love and sharing my life with another soul.
FAITH
The most important thing for me, for us, is that we cannot do this without our faith. It took us a little while to discover this. He didn't go to church and didn't believe in God when we met. This ultimately split us apart for a bit. Scott discovered his faith while we were apart and, quite frankly, so did I. I became a Christian in high school but needed some of my own faith discovery during my college years. When we did reunite, the number one discussion on the table was faith. I don't think, actually I know, we wouldn't be where we are today without the foundation of faith in our relationship and God at the center. Life would have swallowed us whole, spit us out, and broke us apart without Jesus.
CHANGE
Another thing I have learned is that I cannot change Scott. I get teased quite a bit about how stubborn I can be, but I honestly believe my better half can stand his ground better than anyone. For so long, for too long, I tried to change Scott. I am a fixer and I thought I could get him to believe in God and want marriage and kids. And then we broke up. Lesson learned...the hard way. What I have learned is that I need to allow space for both of us to grow and mature individually and together. We started off young and naive. We are not the same people we were 20 years ago (thank God). Through the years of change discovery, we have had to give each other grace to grow. That may mean a season of not really liking a certain aspect of the other person but never ever stopping the love we have for one another. We won't be the same people twenty years from now. I actually hope we aren't the same. I want to grow together not apart. That takes a lot of grace.
LOVE
Love is a verb. Actions speak boldly. I can say I love you to Scott and he to me and it mean nothing. Our actions towards one another show love. That means I do things for him expecting nothing in return just because I love him. I sacrifice parts of myself and things in my life because of my great love for this man. I look to God and see the sacrifice He made through his son, Jesus, because he loved me. Loving Scott should be no different. Marriage is a representation of Christ's love for the church so our love for one another should be the same. Love isn't about me. Love is about the other person. Love is action and I pray continuously that my love for Scott is seen and felt deep in his soul.
EXPECTATION
I like to put people on pedastools; especially those I look up to and admire. The problem with the pedastool is that the person will always fall. I can not create unrealistic expectations for my husband. I also cannot expect him to be me or do things the way I do. We are two separate people created to live two separate ways. Once I got this, I began to realize that our differences were meant to compliment each other not be at odds with one another. Of course Scott and I have expectations for one another (to love, honor, respect, help out, etc). But, I no longer put the bar so high and when he falls (and I will to), I am there to catch him with love, grace, and an understanding heart.
RESPECT
Respect is HUGE for me and for Scott too. It really is a give and take. Respect is another verb. Our actions speak volumes in terms of respect. How I speak to my husband is a biggie. What are my sons hearing? How are they seeing I treat their father? Scott never demands respect from me. He lives a life worthy of respect. My words should encourage and build up, not tear down. I need to support, listen, and walk beside even when I may not agree.
INTERESTS
I said before that Scott and I are vastly different. When we take personality tests, we are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. We have learned, however, that we must find things to do together and support each other's differences. That means I went to countless basketball games he played in even though I knew nothing of the sport. I became a fan because I wanted to be a part of my man's life. He goes to social outings with me even though he doesn't prefer crowds and would much rather be at home. We work out together because that is one thing we both like. We are both competitive and like to watch each other sweat a little. It's a turn on, what can I say. Try it. Lol. Being a part of each other's lives like this helps grow us closer and grows us to get out of our comfort zones and try something new.
WORK
Work is an easy one to ignore. Many of us don't do the same thing as our spouse for a living so it's easy to not get involved. One thing Scott and I have always done is talk about work with each other. Kids, other than his own, are not Scott's thing. But, he always took interest in my teaching and what I did day to day. I love hearing about what Scott is doing and who he is working with even if I don't understand the work lingo and all the acronyms. He asks me about my day with the kids and all my volunteering endeavors not necessarily because he wants to know all the details of the ladies Bible study I am a part of, but because he wants to know about me and what excites me. I feel the same way about him and his work. He spends a huge part of his time working. I want to be a part of that. It only makes the bond between us that much stronger.
DATE NIGHTS
When we moved to Texas, we had no one at first. We didn't have our community that could help us watch Jackson if we needed a night out. However, we found this drop-in childcare and that became our saving grace. We know the importance of getting time away with each other. We joke often about wanting to like each other when these boys are full-grown and out of our house. We need that precious one-on-one time together to remind us of why we fell in love in the first place. Sometimes we go to dinner. Sometimes we go on an overnight. Sometimes we drive around little country towns dreaming of living on acreage. Sometimes we stay in and watch a movie after the boys are in bed or sit on the patio and talk. It's never fancy. Just simple time together to regroup and reconnect. Date nights are precious to us.
INTIMACY
I saved the best for last. Ha. I remember when we were first married I was in ladies Bible study that talked about intimacy in marriage. The study talked about all the things that distract us from being intimate with our spouse and how sex is the one thing no one else can share with your mate (unless there's some issues). Being intimate is important. I know how easy it is to let this aspect of the relationship slide. It's usually one of the first things to go; especially if you have young kids. I get it. We had miscarriages and three babies 4 and under at one point. It seemed someone was always up during the night. However, we still had to make time for this. We had to get creative and that made it fun. I have learned that lack of intimacy leads to distance and after time, that distance can become a canyon in your marriage. Don't let this slide.
Scott and I have a long way to go. I pray we have many many more years together. And through all our mistakes that I know we are going to make, I pray that we learn and grow together through it all. Marriage is a marvelous ride if you allow it to be. Remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. That person is still there.
Find wonder together. Rest in mercy when things are tough. Give grace always. Be kind. And love relentlessly!
Love & Blessings,
Meg
Comments