Ok,so I don't really know what to say. All I know is that writing is therapeutic for me and I think I need a little therapy right now. Where to begin? I guess with my doctor appointment. I went in for my routine 12 week check-up only to find out some grim news...the baby had no heartbeat and stopped developing at 10 weeks. No...this cannot be happening...again. There is just no way. God wouldn't allow this to happen again. Yet, it did.
How am I feeling, you ask? Honestly, I don't really know. I am deeply saddened, angry,hurt, overwhelmed, fearful, determined, full of faith, lacking in faith, etc., etc. How should I be feeling? What should I do now? Do I sit and cry or do I go finish the errands I need to get done today? I am at a loss.
What I do know is that less then a week ago I was experiencing such great joy. I watched my son enjoy the very things I loved as a child. I enjoyed time spent with my husband and with us as a family. I felt my toes in the sand, watched my favorite baseball team play, went to the happiest place on Earth, Disneyland, and got to see loved ones. I was also, I thought, in a good place with the Lord. When we got home from vacation I was so content enjoying each moment of everyday thanking the Lord for the blessing of allowing me to live this life. And then darkness fell.
Oh how the darkness just plain sucks! It really does. There is no way around it; no nice way to say it. Isn't ironic, though, that right before the darkness, and sometimes during, something is revealed to you. I was reading a book called "Ruthless Trust" and finished it yesterday (of course). As I was reading I was so inspired and felt I knew the area I needed to trust God more in. Well, I guess I was wrong. Now I am challenged to have "ruthless trust" in God in an area where I don't know if I can trust Him, to be completely honest with you. I mean, I know I can, I just don't feel like it at the moment. How can I? I trusted that the first pregnancy would turn out okay and I miscarried. I trusted that I would be okay this time and now it is almost even more difficult because the pregnancy lasted longer and we did have hope because there was a heartbeat. Yet I am called to trust. And not just trust, I am called to have a ruthless trust.
Hmmmm...how am I going to meet this challenge? How am I going to stop fearing what could be and start trusting what the Lord says will be? I don't know. What I do know is that He will be with me every step of the way supporting me when I fall and feel like I can't do this anymore and walk beside me when I am strong again. This is hard...beyond hard. The pain runs so deep that it feels like it will never go away. However, I remember back just 4 months ago when I was in the depths of despair thinking I'd never get pregnant again or get over the anguish of losing that pregnancy and here I am, alive and still breathing even if only barely.
That last experience made me stronger, more empathetic, more appreciative, more content and will help me through this. No, it doesn't make it any easier or better, it just helps. I, we, will survive this. My marriage will be stronger, my love for and appreciation of my son that much deeper, my faith that much wider. How can I not go through this with those things to gain? I will be tested. I will weep. I will scream. But I will laugh again; have hope once more. All because I choose to have ruthless trust!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
How am I feeling, you ask? Honestly, I don't really know. I am deeply saddened, angry,hurt, overwhelmed, fearful, determined, full of faith, lacking in faith, etc., etc. How should I be feeling? What should I do now? Do I sit and cry or do I go finish the errands I need to get done today? I am at a loss.
What I do know is that less then a week ago I was experiencing such great joy. I watched my son enjoy the very things I loved as a child. I enjoyed time spent with my husband and with us as a family. I felt my toes in the sand, watched my favorite baseball team play, went to the happiest place on Earth, Disneyland, and got to see loved ones. I was also, I thought, in a good place with the Lord. When we got home from vacation I was so content enjoying each moment of everyday thanking the Lord for the blessing of allowing me to live this life. And then darkness fell.
Oh how the darkness just plain sucks! It really does. There is no way around it; no nice way to say it. Isn't ironic, though, that right before the darkness, and sometimes during, something is revealed to you. I was reading a book called "Ruthless Trust" and finished it yesterday (of course). As I was reading I was so inspired and felt I knew the area I needed to trust God more in. Well, I guess I was wrong. Now I am challenged to have "ruthless trust" in God in an area where I don't know if I can trust Him, to be completely honest with you. I mean, I know I can, I just don't feel like it at the moment. How can I? I trusted that the first pregnancy would turn out okay and I miscarried. I trusted that I would be okay this time and now it is almost even more difficult because the pregnancy lasted longer and we did have hope because there was a heartbeat. Yet I am called to trust. And not just trust, I am called to have a ruthless trust.
Hmmmm...how am I going to meet this challenge? How am I going to stop fearing what could be and start trusting what the Lord says will be? I don't know. What I do know is that He will be with me every step of the way supporting me when I fall and feel like I can't do this anymore and walk beside me when I am strong again. This is hard...beyond hard. The pain runs so deep that it feels like it will never go away. However, I remember back just 4 months ago when I was in the depths of despair thinking I'd never get pregnant again or get over the anguish of losing that pregnancy and here I am, alive and still breathing even if only barely.
That last experience made me stronger, more empathetic, more appreciative, more content and will help me through this. No, it doesn't make it any easier or better, it just helps. I, we, will survive this. My marriage will be stronger, my love for and appreciation of my son that much deeper, my faith that much wider. How can I not go through this with those things to gain? I will be tested. I will weep. I will scream. But I will laugh again; have hope once more. All because I choose to have ruthless trust!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
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"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
Romans 12:12