I am not good at accepting gifts/blessings. I would much rather see other people get gifts and rejoice with them when they are blessed in their lives. I think part of my problem is that I feel undeserving. I just feel like I already have been blessed so richly that I do not deserve anything more. I also believe that I put up a "wall of protection" around my mind and myself not allowing myself to accept the precious gifts that come my way because I am waiting for the inevitable "bad" thing to happen. I guess I think I am preparing myself, in a way, making the "bad" stuff not seem so awful when it does come because I've "prepared" myself for it.
I was reading a blog the other day and I was so touched. I have followed this blog since my first miscarriage sobbing uncontrollably and jumping in pure excitement for this family. They suffered two miscarriages and then, their third baby (they have one daughter who is 4), passed away with Trisomy 18 after birth. She just gave birth to a healthy baby girl last week. The day before her scheduled C-section she wrote about how strange it is to know that God had and was going to bless her so richly with a healthy baby. It was difficult for her to fathom such a blessing. I read in astonishment knowing exactly how she felt!
I have been through so much this year; not just with the loss of pregnancies, but also the loss of a loved one and some other very personal family things, not to mention witnessing the suffering and struggles of some dear friends. With that being said, I have almost accepted that life is full of suffering and I should just deal with it and move on. I have not allowed myself to comprehend and accept the Lord's blessings. Yes, I see and am grateful for His blessings everyday in my amazing marriage, getting to spend so much time with Jack, having the freedom to be a stay at home mom, having me and my family be healthy, etc. However, I can't seem to wrap my head around having a blessed season of joy where nothing goes wrong.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am struggling with accepting the beautiful gift of this pregnancy. Instead of rejoicing and allowing myself to celebrate this growing life, I am waiting for the news of loss. Even though I have been told all is well and I have even witnessed the little miracle dancing on the screen, I am still waiting. It's like when you were a child and wished and begged for that one Christmas gift you couldn't live without thinking that you probably wouldn't get it and then you do and you don't know quite what to do with it or if it is really real. However, as I read the blog from this incredible woman, I realized that I have to stop the madness. I need to allow myself some joy and give God some credit. He apparently desires to bless me with this child. The least I could do is accept His blessing.
I guess I have to let go, once again. I need to allow God to work in my life even if that means that He is doing great and wonderful and blessed things! I must rejoice and praise Him everyday for each moment I get to be pregnant for this time goes by way too quickly. So, I ask, please pray that I may enjoy this blessing and be released from the bondage of fear that something is going to go wrong. To a day filled with many blessings!
"I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing." Ezekiel 34:26
I was reading a blog the other day and I was so touched. I have followed this blog since my first miscarriage sobbing uncontrollably and jumping in pure excitement for this family. They suffered two miscarriages and then, their third baby (they have one daughter who is 4), passed away with Trisomy 18 after birth. She just gave birth to a healthy baby girl last week. The day before her scheduled C-section she wrote about how strange it is to know that God had and was going to bless her so richly with a healthy baby. It was difficult for her to fathom such a blessing. I read in astonishment knowing exactly how she felt!
I have been through so much this year; not just with the loss of pregnancies, but also the loss of a loved one and some other very personal family things, not to mention witnessing the suffering and struggles of some dear friends. With that being said, I have almost accepted that life is full of suffering and I should just deal with it and move on. I have not allowed myself to comprehend and accept the Lord's blessings. Yes, I see and am grateful for His blessings everyday in my amazing marriage, getting to spend so much time with Jack, having the freedom to be a stay at home mom, having me and my family be healthy, etc. However, I can't seem to wrap my head around having a blessed season of joy where nothing goes wrong.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am struggling with accepting the beautiful gift of this pregnancy. Instead of rejoicing and allowing myself to celebrate this growing life, I am waiting for the news of loss. Even though I have been told all is well and I have even witnessed the little miracle dancing on the screen, I am still waiting. It's like when you were a child and wished and begged for that one Christmas gift you couldn't live without thinking that you probably wouldn't get it and then you do and you don't know quite what to do with it or if it is really real. However, as I read the blog from this incredible woman, I realized that I have to stop the madness. I need to allow myself some joy and give God some credit. He apparently desires to bless me with this child. The least I could do is accept His blessing.
I guess I have to let go, once again. I need to allow God to work in my life even if that means that He is doing great and wonderful and blessed things! I must rejoice and praise Him everyday for each moment I get to be pregnant for this time goes by way too quickly. So, I ask, please pray that I may enjoy this blessing and be released from the bondage of fear that something is going to go wrong. To a day filled with many blessings!
"I will bless them and the places surrounding my hill. I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing." Ezekiel 34:26
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