The Fish Tank

I used to be a tomboy. I loved to get dirty and climb things. My grandfather would check my legs and knees when he'd see me looking for any new scrapes, bumps, or bruises. Once I got to high school, I kept a little of that tomboy in me but, I discovered boys, make-up, and girly things. I was a theater nerd in high school; eyes on Hollywood. I went to college close to home and majoring first in psychology changing soon after to education. I worked three jobs: a nanny, a waitress, and day care worker. When I graduated college, I entered the teaching credential program and got engaged. I married soon after the credential program officially becoming a "Fish." I also became a kindergarten teacher. A few years into my teaching career, I became a grad student and pregnant. I graduated with my Masters in Education on my due date but didn't officially become a mom until two days later. That's when everything changed. I look back on my life and can see the many identity c

I said "no" to God. I did. The boys were occupied with their buddies so I had a few extra minutes to do what I do best: pick up the house. As I was putting things away walking from the inside to outside and back in again, I got a little grumpy. Our cold snap came a few days ago. While I wouldn't say it is warm outside (it was around 50 degrees), it definitely felt much warmer than days prior. Today is going to be beautiful. That wasn't my beef. My irritation was tied up in our future forecast for Christmas day: 70 degrees. Blah. I know. I know. Seventy degrees is perfect weather. But, it's not Christmas weather. I was wishing our arctic temps had waited a few days to arrive. I made it back inside and into my bedroom. I began making my bed picking up pillows off the floor from where my boys slept last night. I always let them sleep in my room one night when their daddy is away on business. I opened the windows to get some fresh air and went back to straightenin

I walked upstairs and started picking up. I walked into the game room and noticed the Little People nativity. This is one of my favorite Christmas items. We have had it since my twelve year old was a toddler. The boys flock to it every year when we get it out of the storage tub. It doesn't matter how old they get. They always play with that nativity set. When I looked at the nativity, I noticed some of the characters had moved. One of the boys (I am assuming it was my youngest) had moved the wise men, the shepherds, and the animals to all face the manger. Each character was looking at Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. Huh. I never thought to make them turn and look. I always had them all facing out. Just look. Seeing the nativity set-up this way got me to thinking about that night so long ago. Everyone stopped to look. Here was this intriguing mystery that grabbed the worlds attention. A baby born in a manger to a teenage girl fulfilling a prophecy spoken many moons ago. It's ea

A few times in history, we unite in emotion and human will. Events occur single-handedly stopping time. We unite in feelings, thoughts, and an unstoppable motivation to do better and be better for humanity. For my generation, that time is 9/11. For others, it's Kennedy's assassination or the attack on Pearl Harbor. Those in the Middle East are united fighting for the wane of suffering in Aleppo. It's there. For all of us. There is another time in history in which all humanity stopped and gasped. I often wonder what it felt like the night Christ was born. CNN was not there to report on the horrific birth conditions. FOXNews didn't show up to share the good news. It was a quiet night. But, I wonder if the earth shook. Did it stop on its axis? One of my very favorite Christmas songs is, "O Holy Night." One line in that song clenches my attention like no other. "And the soul felt its worth" The Lord appeared and the soul finally felt its worth. D

"May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38 "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45 I want to be her. We talk a lot about baby Jesus around this time. We talk about the miracle of Mary being pregnant even though she was a virgin. We focus on her age and the sacrifice she made. We like the manger and the star and the wise men. Rarely do we talk about Mary's unabashed faithfulness. Let's talk about Mary's story. Her she is, a teenager, planning her wedding, going about her business. Then, all of a sudden, an angel appears. Say what?!?! The angel doesn't just sit there and hang out with Mary. Nope. This angel tells Mary the most outrageous tale: she was to become pregnant but not in the conventional sense. God would divinely bring the Savior for all to life through her. Say what...again?!?! You would have to pick me up off the floor if I were her. But not Mary. What's her response?

"Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides." Rob Lowe "Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:12-14 Last Christmas we unintentionally did far less than previous years. We didn't run from here-there-and-everywhere trying to jam in every Christmas activity possible. I remember when I was packing up our Christmas garb, I felt such a sense of fullness and peace. It was then that I realized less is truly more. I was more fulfilled than any other Christmas season and I had done half of what we normally do. I vowed to continue this trend. I broke my rules and tradition this year. I deviated from my norm of waiting until after Thanksgiving to put up my Christmas dec

I try to get the craziness of my to-dos done during the day while the boys are at school. If it's a really good day, I have a good ten or fifteen minutes right before the boys come home to sit and relax exhaling before the next round of chaos ensues. Sometimes, however, my days require more time and my list spills over into the afternoon. If I may confess, that means that the boys get on their devices so I can have a few moments of sanity to complete my tasks. I struggle with being present. My mind is usually thinking of a million different things. I wrestle with being still trying to accomplish one more thing. I like to check things off my list and can relax when everything is in its place. I never thought about being present as a ministry. Oftentimes, we think ministry doesn't happen in the everyday. Ministry is those things that we do above and beyond the daily chores: feeding the homeless, donating clothes or food, serving at church, making a meal for someone, etc. We d

Advent...anyone else feel a little behind on this topic? I have heard of Advent over the years. Pastors preach on the subject during the Christmas season talking about the arrival of a baby who would change everything. But I never felt connected to advent. I kind of felt like I was on the outside forcing myself into the cool crowd of which I did not belong. I have heard two podcasts over the past two days about advent. Both interviewees were authors of some sort of advent study. I listened hungry to learn more. Advent and Lent have both felt foreign to me even though I am a believer. In the beginning, I always equated Lent with Catholics and Ash Wednesday. Advent was just that time between Thanksgiving and Christmas; a time of waiting for the day we remember Jesus' birth. And then I had a dream. Bear with me and my crazy dream. Let me just say that I couldn't fall asleep two nights ago. I started praying for everyone and everything under the sun and asked God to show me H

Did any of you watch the Kiefer Sutherland show, "24"? If not, let me give you a short synopsis. Kiefer played Jack Bauer, a field director for a counter-terrorist group. Every week, Bauer would chip away at solving a terrorist threat. Each episode was one hour of the 24 hours. It was intriguing and suspenseful. While we may not be leading a coalition against terrorism (although many of us may feel that way), we all have the same 24 hours. I am a (very) white girl with light eyes and blond hair. I grew up in an affluent primarily white community. Before you leave this blog because you think I am going to talk about race and are tired of it, be comforted that this is not the case. I am just trying to give you a little background and perspective. Even though I lived in this environment, I was never taught to see anyone differently than myself. I had friends of various cultures and ethnicities and some with special needs. I never saw any of that. They were just my friends. Unt

One of my very best friends is not a Christian. We met in college in our credential program and then got our Masters in Education together. That was sixteen years ago. We have seen each other through school stresses, beginning our careers, advancing our careers,travel, marriages, babies, and all of life's other happenings. She's my "talk-me-off-this-ledge-give-me-a-different-perspective" girl. We are very similar so we get each other's crazy. While we have many similarities, we are also vastly different. Kind of like the odd couple. And you know what? I kind of like it. A couple of weeks ago, I was struggling with some big-ticket items in my faith. Some well-known Christians came out with some stuff and were immediately attacked by numerous people. What got me down was that they were quickly berated by fellow Christians. I had friends texting and messaging asking me my thoughts challenging me in every way. My husband and I are also studying church history. While

I stopped abruptly in the middle of my kitchen. I felt as if my feet could not move. There I had to hold back tears. I was thankful; so very thankful. I had just scrolled through my Instagram pictures. Not the feed, but the pictures I posted that day. I had also just read the fourth encouraging text message of the day. I stopped because in that moment I realized my life does not mirror what I am being told it should look like right now and I like it. My Instagram story from yesterday is one of service and good people. It tells a story of how people of varying ages, races, cultures, families, and lives came together to do good in this world. This Insta story was not fabricated or edited to make more beautiful. The beauty was there; unaltered. My day started as most Thursdays do: preparing for the ladies Bible study at our church. I am deeply honored and so completely humbled that I get to be a part of this incredible group of women. Christians are getting a bad rap these days. The

'But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the sunagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belongings to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground, he heard a voice saying to him, "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?" And he said, Who are you, Lord?" And he said, "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do." The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. ANd for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank... "Brother Saul,, the Lord Jesus who appeared t

I was a freshman in high school. My mom was driving me to school the morning I said, "I wish I knew everything there is to know." My mom's response, "Not me." At the time, I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to know everything. I mean, how cool would that be? I didn't want knowledge for power. The human brain intrigued me then and still does today. I wanted to know everything to understand us better. She, on the other hand, knew a protected mind was a blessing. Now that I am a mom and an adult, I can understand my mom's perspective. Why on earth would I want to know all the bad stuff? This world is harsh at times and it's difficult to wrap our brains around the atrocities. I am learning that I know and want to know far less than I did when I was younger. I am also realizing that I am okay with not knowing. I recently started a study of the Church. Not my church, but the Christian church as a whole. My husband started researching

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 We like to talk about how faithful God is. God was so faithful blessing us with this baby. God was faithful to heal me. God was faithful in my success. We throw the word around a lot. But, are we misguided using this term erroneously? God is faithful in many things. The Bible says so. God is faithful to: Cleanse us of all unrighteousness Keep His promises/covenants Love us Forgive us Shelter us Be a place of refuge Give us hope God is faithful in many things. But, when it comes to life, I wonder if we are misplacing his faithfulness and confusing it with his generosity. What do you say to the person who doesn't have that baby yet and is struggling with infertility? God isn't faithful to you? Maybe you aren't "delighting yourself in the Lord" enough. And to the one who isn't healed. What do you say to them? Well, I am not sure where God's fai

'During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." "Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matthew 14: 25-31 Trust. It's a difficult thing. We tell our kids, especially our ten year old, not to lose our trust. Trust is tough to earn back after it is lost. Many of us have heard the story of Jesus walking on water. Even if we wouldn't c

I am a rule-follower. I like rules, order, and justice. I struggle in living outside of my safe comfortable box-shaped life. I try and I am learning to curve the lines, but I cannot proclaim victory just yet. When I started my Christian journey in the 90s, daily quiet time and devotions were buzz words. This is what you did if you were a good Christian: you wake up, roll over onto your knees on the floor, say your prayers, grab your devotional book, and have a little quiet time with God. Give me all the rules and structure. I am sold! Life happened and daily devotions became difficult to complete. I never really found one that held my attention. Never did I go too deep in searching my faith through these devotions. Daily quiet time became a ritual; something to check off the list. And then I had kids. Not only did I have kids, I had my first child who LOVED early mornings. I'm talking, if I woke up at 5:45am to get my quiet time in, he was up at 5:30am. And then I kept having kid

How do you introduce yourself? Who do you say you are when people ask? Who or what do you tie yourself? Career? Family? Spouse? College? Political affiliation? My husband and I actually stayed up past 9pm the other night and had an opportunity to talk about a lot of deep stuff. We talked religion, politics; you know, the stuff you aren't supposed to talk about. When talking about our faith, Scott made a point (a valid point, might I add) that I always knew but needed to hear again. He explained to me how he and his faith are not attached to a pastor or a church. Meaning, his faith does not rest in the hands of our pastor nor does the church we attend have ownership. Now, we love our church and our pastor. However, for Scott, his faith is right where is should be: between he and Jesus. This got me to thinking: Where is my faith? Where do I put my trust? Where does my faith land? How do I introduce my faith to someone? Do I talk more about where I attend or what I believe? Does i

My boys like to pick weeds. Let me rephrase. My boys like to pick weeds in order to make money. When we redid our backyard, we decided to pull out a lot of the grass and make planters. Well, even though we removed the grass, it still grows through the mulch. The boys work relentlessly to remove the sporadic blades. They don't, however, get the root so the grass grows back the next week. Sometimes, the grass grows back more vigorous. We are fighting the wrong battle. We are beating each other up with our words in this political battle ground increasing the crevice of division deeper into our hearts. We begged, pleaded, and cried for a new leader waiting for him/her to come riding in on a white horse ready to save us all. When that didn't happen, we all started looking around for the cameras knowing Ashton Kutcher was about to jump out because surely, we are being Punk'd. We are fighting the wrong battle. We are pulling the weeds never getting to the root. Thus, the probl

Pick. Pick. Pick. Have you ever had one of those seasons where little things picked away at you like a crow picking hay out of a scarecrow? Eventually, you become depleted and fall into a lump of stress and exhaustion. You try to do it on your own because you know yourself and that you can handle this mess. It's only little things, you tell yourself. I am horrible at something. Well, I am bad at a lot of things, but this takes the cake. Let's start with what I am good at, though. Always start with the positives, right? I am really good at helping others out. Need prayer? I'm your prayer warrior. Need me to run an errand, watch a kid, grab you something at the store? I've got it. Need a meal or surprise gift on your porch because you've had a rough go at things? Yep. I'm in. Here's what I'm really bad at: letting others do this for me. I don't want to put anyone out. I feel like I can handle things on my own. It's not that I don't think I

I didn't go today. I was in the car headed in that direction but didn't go. I turned left instead of going straight. After the week I had, I need a few minutes to breath and catch up on stuff before school let out and the boys got home. I decided not to go to the Fun Run at school and that was tough. We try so hard to find balance. We like this word. Something about finding balance makes us feel like super heroes. We will exhaust ourselves with lists and organization in order to find balance. What if I told you that balance is unattainable. Balance isn't something we can find in our life. Think about it. Some days we feel like we have crossed everything off the to-do list and accomplished everything we set our minds to the moment our feet hit the ground in the morning. But, what we don't realize is in completing the tasks, we've said no to other stuff. We had to say no to some things in order to be successful at the other things. Balance is an unnecessary nuan

Four years ago, my eyes were opened to a major personality flaw. We had just sold our house and moved about twenty minutes away into an apartment. We were building another house and it wouldn't be ready for ten months. When we first entered this season, I was excited and thought it would be a nice change. Simpler is better became my mantra. And then it hit. I had a two year old, three year old, six year old, ninety-pound one year old lab, and a traveling husband. We lived on the second floor. Managing a dog who needed to go out and babies that needed to get to the car with all their stuff was a challenge. If you have skeletons in your closet that you are trying to stuff away, they will appear at the very worst times: like when you are living in a very small space dealing with the stress of parenting, building, and having your teammate gone. We moved into the apartment in August and I felt the change in me that October. I remember a friend coming over one night when my husband w

I began working at a really young age. I started babysitting when I was twelve and continued working in some form or fashion until I turned 29. I thought I would work all my life. And then I had kids. I was not prepared for what happened when my first child was born. I thought I'd snap back into life and be itching to get back to teaching. I had just finished my masters degree in education and was on my way to expanding my career. I don't think I stopped crying that first day I dropped my son off at daycare. The tears flowed freely. A few weeks into my irrational emotional state, my husband told me we couldn't do this anymore. We began discussing the possibility of me staying home. After much time, consideration, prayer, and a move half-way across the country, I became a stay-at-home-mom. I loved this new life. I thrived in this new space. I made other mommy friends and did mommy things. I kept the house and got myself involved. All of a sudden, nine years passed and tw

I am impatient. My husband is not. I wanted to get married quickly. He wanted to wait. Kids? Let's have them now. He wanted us to be a little more stable than living in a 750 square foot apartment paying off debt. Wait. Wait. Wait. I struggled to be patient. At one point, my sweet husband asked me not to pray for patience anymore because it was affecting him. The wait is not my favorite. It's funny because when I finally get to the goal or attain the desire, I know the timing is perfect. I can see how the weaving back and forth came together perfectly. But it's so hard to see perfection in the waiting room. "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign Lord, "when I will send a famine through the land-not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord." Amos 8:11 I am currently reading through the minor prophets of the Old Testament. The minor prophets end the Old Testament. They are the last we hear from God