The Fish Tank

I needed to clear my head and my heart. I usually go to the gym and work it out with heavy weights and lots of sweat. Today, however, I needed a long walk. I forgot how refreshing and life-giving a long walk could be; especially on a beautiful day. I plugged my headphones in and off I went. I knew I needed to relieve my brain of the overwhelming thoughts that consumed me. As I walked down the path by the lake, I tried to distract myself by watching the crane floating on the water and the cute little turtles sunbathing on the log. I couldn't shake it though; that feeling. It was heavy and weighty. I can be an anxious person. I didn't use to be this way but slowly, as I have gotten older, anxiety crept in little by little. I feel heavy, deep, and hard. I have always been on the more emotional side of life since as long as I can remember. Sometimes doubts, fears, and worries rear their ugly heads as anxiety in me. I tried to shake it off as I walked to no avail. Finally, I ...

We have many enemies. Turn on any news channel and you will hear the latest on terrorists. The political race makes people question whether or not the next leader of the free world will be an enemy to our values or not. That same political race makes enemies of friends. The mirror, the scale, the friend who spoke behind our back: all deemed enemies. The person who got the job promotion instead of us, the addiction, the one who wronged us: enemies. What I have learned as of late, is that while these things, these people, can seem like enemies in my life, I am my one true enemy. I have an inability to wrestle with myself. Or, maybe I wrestle with myself too much tearing myself to nothing. Either way, I have learned that others really aren’t my enemy. I am. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23 I wrote about this verse recently. I have parked here for a b...

My new favorite saying is, "you're right." I probably shouldn't tell my husband about this post. Kidding aside, I have found such freedom in conceding when someone is right. We live in a world where our rightness is our platform. If we concede that someone else is right, we may fall from that high place. Sometimes, y'all, other people are right. They aren't right to be mean. They are right because they are right. I used to be the type of arguer that had to have the last word. My dad and I would get into epic battles because I had to prove to him that I was right. Forget what he had to say. I still fall back into this pattern occasionally. But, I am learning the freedom of allowing other people to be right. I love having a conversation with someone where I am coming from a place voicing what I think is right and I see a different perspective that I didn't see before. Scott does this a lot when we talk. I will bring up a spiritual conversation, talk ab...

Jim Carey made a movie in 2008 entitled Yes Man. It was a funny movie about a guy who decided to say yes to everything for a year. At first, the yeses brought him great things: a new love interest and a job promotion. Eventually, however, saying yes to everything ended in his demise. He ended up losing way more than he gained by saying yes. While this movie helps us learnt that saying yes to everything isn't always a good thing, I see it from a different perspective. I don't always want a "yes man" in my life. I want people that are going to be honest with me not always agreeable. A few months ago, I went to a trusted friend to talk about a dream I had. I wanted her honest opinion concerning whether or not she thought this dream could come to fruition. I trusted that she would tell me the truth as to whether I was crazy or onto something. I could have gone to a few other people to talk this dream through. They would have told me that I should go for it and would ...

I have an idol. It's small and can fit in the palm of my hand. It speaks to me and makes me feel less alone yet isolated all at the same time. It's my lifeline to my family, my kids' school, my life's comings and goings. It's how I stay connected to many who live far away. My idol has so many good purposes and uses. However, it does have it's faults. It can consume me and send me into a spiral that I do not like. My idol takes me away from precious time with those I love and removes my vision from the wonder that is right in front of me. My idol is my phone. Like so many people, my phone is usually within arms reach at all times. My excuse is that I need it in case something happens to the kids at school. I have no excuse for the other 18 hours of the day. I have purged my phone addiction countless times but always come back to that little screen. It's so enticing. Honestly, sometimes it's easier to look at a 6 inch screen and get lost in other people...

It's no secret that I live in a house full of boys. I had to name my dog the girl name I picked out before I knew having boys instead of girls was going to be our thing. My house is loud, smelly, crazy, and a whole lot of sweet. I don't understand what is going on most of the time. I grew up in a girl home and boys are just weird. But, I would not have it any other way. I love every single second of this wild crazy life with these stinky delightful little men. Last week I needed prayer. I was headed into something big (well, big for me) and needed someone to pray over me. Scott was working from home so I asked him to pray before I left. As I listened to his words as he prayed, I couldn't help but praise God and thank Him for the words my husband was speaking over me. They were sweet, kind, loving, and full of encouragement. His words gave me strength when I was a little bit nervous. I valued him in that moment more than ever before just because of his simple little prayer...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24 David had quite the relationship with God. Despite numerous faults and sin, he was still touted as the one who was after God's own heart. No matter the fall David took, he always came back to God. He wasn't afraid to voice his feelings, opinions, and concerns to God. Read the Psalms and you will find pages of a man's bleeding heart. As much as I don't like Psalm 139:23-24, I need it. If I don't pray these verses boldly, I may miss out on knowing God's heart for me. I need to park it right here for a good long time; for forever really. I need God to search me daily for I am full of sin. I am a redeemed sinner, but that does not mean I do not falter. I struggle daily with various sins. I have been a liar, gossip, hypocrite, quick to anger, judgmental, and on and on. I am human. Thus...

Lent: The period preceding Easter that in the Christian Church is devoted to fasting, abstinence, and penitence in commemoration of Christ's fasting in the wilderness. In the Western Church it runs from Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday and so includes forty weekdays. The season of Lent began yesterday. I love this time of year. It's a time of reflection after the overloaded holiday season. Lent is a season of reset; a time to look into our lives and see if we are truly living for Jesus and like Jesus. Lent is a time of remembrance. Many sacrifice or give something up in order to remember the sacrifice Jesus made through his fasting and sacrifice on the cross. While I completely understand this practice and have participated, I felt a need to change things up this year. You know me, I am a lifestyle change person. When I do something like giving something up, I want it to be for good not for forty days. I hadn't really thought about what I wanted to do to reset myself ...

You guys. I cannot stop. I don't usually write this much in a row but we have to hear this. Have to. Have to. Have to. I was listening to these ladies share their stories about their experience with disabilities when it struck me: we have got to be okay with imperfect care. Let me back up a bit and explain what I mean. One of the precious ladies that spoke had had a spinal stroke. She was not supposed to live but pulled through. One side of her face is now paralyzed and while she can stand and walk, she struggles forcing her to need care. The other woman was married to a man who was in a terrible car accident. In turn, he suffered a severe brain injury and needs care daily. Other than being completely struck by their stories of stamina and grace, one of these ladies said something that hit me hard. She said, "I needed to learn to be okay with imperfect care." Y'all, we need to be okay with imperfect care. Too often we don't care for or love on those in need be...

I remember watching a white Bronco driving somewhat slow down the 405 in Southern California being chased by police cars. I remember sitting in one of our history teacher's classrooms at my high school to watch the verdict. I remember the emotions that consumed our area. I remember many feeling like justice wasn't served. There was no resolve. I am currently recording the OJ Simpson story that is playing out on TV. Something about this story, this conflict, garners my attention. Maybe it's because it was one of those big stories growing up. Maybe because it happened so close to where I lived. Maybe it's because I am drawn to conflict. Maybe. I wonder what draws us to stories like this. I wonder why we are so drawn to conflict. We say we desire a resolution but when it comes, we are oftentimes left unsatisfied. I am not one to make New Year's resolutions. I am a lifestyle change kind of girl. Don't tell me I am on a diet or I will want all the cake and all th...

"We dilute the beauty of the gospel story when we divorce it from our lives, our worlds, the words and images God is writing right now on our souls." Shauna Niequest Someone asked me the following question: "If you were stuck in an elevator with someone and had two minutes to share your story, what would you say?" Well, I always love to hear a good story and have no problem sharing mine, so off I went on a tangent about my life. At the end, he said, "You like to tell stories, don't you? You seem like a good story teller." I guess I never saw myself that way, but yes, yes I do like to tell stories. If you think about our lives, they are just a compilation of stories; short essays about everyone's lives. Us mama's get together at playdates and discuss the latest toddler frustrations. We go to work hanging out by the water cooler discussing what happened the night before or our recent law degree we earned while watching, Making a Murder. Are ...

I've mentioned before that I live in a small town. Word gets around so much so that if a teen is misbehaving, you best believe his mama is standing in the driveway waiting for him when he gets home. Sometimes, though, the stories get jumbled and exploited; the information tangled. It's kind of like that game "Telephone" we played as kids. The game starts with someone telling the next person in line something in their ear. By the end of the line, the story is not the same as the beginning. Source. I have learned the hard way to vet my source. I must filter the information that is shared with me. I have learned that if someone is willing to talk to me about another person, I better believe they are talking about me behind my back. I can't rest in a place of fretting over what is being said about me. I can, however, protect myself and my family by creating healthy boundaries with those who like to talk. I have also learned that there are people out there who have...

Every time I drive the main road from my town to the next, I pass this itty bitty house. Have you seen those tiny houses on HGTV? They seem to made out a tiny trailer and have all the amenities of a regular house but they are about the size of one of our bedrooms. Ironically, a neighborhood of mansions sits just past that little house on the main road. It got me thinking: do those little houses really leave a smaller footprint on our environment? Does size matter? I am currently going through a Bible study called, Anything. The overall theme is giving anything to God; whatever He asks. She immediately jumps to the thoughts that cross all our minds when we feel called to give it all to God: "He's going to ask us to go to Africa or adopt a child." Our minds automatically jump to the big ticket item. But, what we miss is that God is calling us in the small. I think many of us fall into the trap of thinking we cannot have an effect on the kingdom because we are small. We ...

About three or four weeks ago, we noticed a change in our oldest. He was bringing home grades that were atypical. We called a meeting with his teachers and found out that his sinking grades matched his sinking behavior. Although not perfect, the eldest Fish boy is typically the one we don't have to worry about at school: a natural born leader who gets fantastic grades and wants to join every extracurricular activity there is. This was a shock to my husband and I, but, we joined together with his teachers and all seems on the up-and-up. A week later I receive a phone call. Mr. Middle Child was now struggling. This is the kid that we choose to take with us when we run errands because he's like taking your purse: super easy as he just tags along not saying much of anything. His teacher informed us he was showing signs of not caring about his work turning in scribbles and incomplete assignments. We get that situation nipped in the bud and I gain twenty-five more gray hairs. I b...

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8 Micah 6:8 is engraved on my heart. There are a few verses that I feel are part of my wiring. Micah 6:8 is one of those verses. I am such a lover of justice, of mercy, and humility; almost to a fault. By now the world has watched the Netflix phenomenon, Making a Murderer . Being a justice hound, that show made me want to bang my head against the wall. Whether or not the suspects were guilty, there was such a miscarriage of justice it was maddening. Doesn't that happen in our everyday lives as well? We walk humbly and hand out mercy, yet justice is stomped on not by us but by others who wrong us. Have you ever had someone wrong you? Someone betrayed your trust or did something that they knew was wrong but were never punished for it? Justice was never served. We want them to pay and be held accountable for their act...

When my nephew was a toddler he would call my husband a "weirdo." He'd give Scott the stink-eye and say, "you're a weirdo" in his cute little toddler voice. We never figured out why he did this but it was hilarious. That was 18 years ago and we still laugh about it from time to time. My desire is that I can show people that Jesus is not a weirdo. There are so many projections of who Christ is in this world. I want people to see the Jesus I know. The Jesus who is loving, kind, and full of grace; the Jesus who exudes freedom not confinement. I want people to feel His peace when we are together. 'And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."' ...