The Fish Tank

When Jackson was a baby, I would hop into my car on my lunch break and rush to his day care to see him. I had thirty minutes with my baby and I needed every last second. I was a mess of a new mom and had a really hard time leaving him everyday. I was caught in the conundrum of loving teaching with all that I was and loving being a mom desperately wanting to stay home. I established a neat relationship with Jack's care-takers. They were a little older than me and much wiser. They will never fully know how appreciative I am for their advice and comfort during those beginning moments as a mama. When I decided to leave my teaching career and move halfway across the country to do so, they gave me a piece of advice that I didn't take seriously initially but now hold dear. They told me I had to find something for me. They watched me finish my master's that year and knew I was the type that needed to be doing. They recognized that I was about to enter a season where I had to hold

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 We Christians like this verse; like A LOT. We have it written all over the place. We hang this verse up in our home and tattoo it to our bodies. Jeremiah 29:11 is everyone's life verse. I mean, who doesn't want to rest in knowing the God has a plan for our life; especially when that plan includes safety and prosperity. Even if I didn't believe in God, I would hold onto this verse. What if, however, we have been misinterpreting this verse all these years? This life, the here and the now, we like it. Well, some of us probably want to throw this life in the trash like a rough draft and have a do-over. But, for the most part, we hold onto this life for dear life. It is all we know. It can be scary to think of anything else. Because of this, we go all in even when the cards we are dealt are bad. Thi

I think there is one thing we can all agree on politically: the United States has been nothing short of wonky in the political arena in the last few years. We have fallen off our rocker. Am I right? Don't worry. This is not a political post. However, it may get some a little riled up, but that's okay. What if I told you that our shift away from cultural Christianity is a good thing? I think I just heard everyone gasp in harmony. In all seriousness, what if a shift away from Christianity being the cultural norm is not a bad thing? The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe Hebrews 12:27-28 God tells us that he is going to do a little shaking. He does some shaking in our lives. He is sifting out the unnecessary stuff, the stuff that keeps us from

You ARE valued. You ARE valuable. You ARE worthy. You ARE highly favored. You ARE loved. We need YOU. My youngest was taking a bath in my bath tub while I was getting ready for bed. We were chit-chatting about things when he noticed a 3x5 card on my mirror. W: Why do you have that sign on your mirror, Mommy? Me: I need it. It's a good reminder for me. W: Why do you need a reminder that "You have what it takes"? M: Because everyone needs that reminder every now and then. We ALL need a reminder that we add value to this world. We need to be told that we matter. Most of us, including myself, struggle with worth from time-to-time; sometimes all the time. We want to matter. We want to have a positive impact on this world. But, far too often, we instead feel alone, unqualified, and marginalized. We feel like someone else is doing it so no one needs us. We believe the lie that our voice adds nothing. We forget that we are valuable. You are valuable because you ex

Teenage Mother A donkey owner Simon of Cyrene Who are these people? I am sure you can figure out the first one: Mary the mother of Jesus. Who are the others and what do all three of these people have in common? They all did extraordinary things but, for the most part, went unseen. Do you ever feel unseen? Undervalued? I do. I try not to get caught up in that space, but I find myself there too often. While Mary is infamous today, she wasn't when she brought the King into this world. She was a teenager who gave birth in a barn. She was an outcast who was pregnant but not married. She told of an unbelievable story involving an angel, a Spirit, and a Savior who was going to save the world. Could you even imagine? It's easy for us to be in awe of Mary. We know the whole story. She didn't. And neither did the people around her. She had to live it. To top it all off, she had to watch her beloved son die a gruesome death. Talk about feeling unseen and undervalued. She faithfu

You are worthy. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are destined for greatness. You were made with a purpose and for a plan. You are beautiful. You are highly favored. You. You. You. We like compliments. We enjoy when people tell us how great we are. We check our social media to see how many "likes" our pictures receive. We like to go to church and leave feeling encouraged and good about ourselves, don't we? We are a pretty me-focused society. From toddler-hood on, we are a pretty selfish bunch. We like things to go our way, in our timing, with our plans. Tell us how fantastic we are, and our day is made. When we take a look at the Gospel, at the life of Jesus, we see quite the opposite. No longer is the message me-centered. Instead, it is others-focused. "Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be serve

Stranger Things is a cultural phenomenon. If you haven't watched it, you have at least heard of the show. An awesome nod to the eighties with some creepy sci-fi thrown into the mix. You watch one episode and suddenly you are hooked wanting to know more about Eleven, Will, Barbara, Demagorgons, and the eerie upside down. Stranger Things consists of the real world and the upside down. The real world is the every day stuff you and I are used to. The upside down is our world, only dark, mysterious, and full of these nasty flower-head creatures. The upside down is unexplainable and hard to believe. If you haven't experienced the upside down, one can deny it even exists. When you finally do experience this other world, however, it leaves a hefty mark on you. You want to get as far away from the upside down as you can trying desperately to get back to normal, but something keeps pulling you back. Jesus lived in the upside down and he's calling you and I to live there, too. Not

The 90s killed us. Our fashion sense was a mess. Our hair, well, most of us would love to hide pictures of ourselves from that era because of the hair alone. Music was grungy and so was our style. Doc Martins and crop tops were the norm. We were supposed to be Jesus Freaks thanks in part to DC Talk. Christian music came onto the scene with a vengeance. So did "quiet time" and "devotionals." All of a sudden, we were swept into this perfect scenario where one was supposed to wake before the rooster crowed, light a candle, and open her Bible. It was intense. The standard was set and it was set high. I am a quiet time drop-out. I became a Christian in the early nineties. The nineties were a space where I grew up both physically and spiritually. I jumped in the deep end digesting as much Christian music as I could and staying true to the quiet time standard. I thought that was what you were supposed to do to please God. Listen to good Christian music, go to church o

Bathsheba: David's mistress turned wife Deborah: Judge and Prophetess Dinah: Daughter of Jacob Elisabeth: Mother of John the Baptist Eve: The very first woman Leah: Jacob's wife Lois: Timothy's grandmother Lydia: First Christian Convert Mary: Mother of Jesus Mary & Martha: Served Jesus Mary Magdalene: Disciple of Jesus Miriam: Sister to Aaron and Moses; Prophetess Naomi: A Woman of Noble Character Phoebe: Deaconness of the Church Priscilla: Missionary Rebekah: Wife of Isaac; mother of Jacob & Esau Ruth: Left her life to be with her newly widowed mother-in-law; wife to Boaz The Woman at the Well: First Missionary This may just look like a list of names. The list could extend the entire page. There is a story behind each one of these women. A story of value, perseverance, and meaning. A story that was written and propelled by God. These are some of the women of the Bible. I was raised to be a strong woman. I didn't grow up in a feminist househ

Wings don't grow overnight. Thank goodness. We work so hard to build strong roots in our children. It seems daunting to have to let them go and allow them to spread their wings one day. How do we even do it? How do we let them go when the time has come? I cannot even think about this without welling up. It seems so very hard. It's amazing how easily we get wrapped up in the moment we are living. All I know is being a mama. It's like I was never anything else. I was always mom. I can't remember much of life before these boys entered my life and completely wrecked it in a good way. What else is there, anyway? I like to watch other mamas mom. I am inspired and learn so much when I stand back and observe other moms in action. There is nothing like a mother. Thankfully, I am blessed to have women in my life that are a little ahead of me on this mothering adventure. I have watched them launch kids into the world over the past few years. What I noticed was that those win

We took the boys to a minor league basketball game. We got into the arena and looked at the map to find our seats. What we couldn't find, however, was that "X' that says, "You are here." Thankfully, we had the where-with-all to find our way and made it to our seats before tip-off. We are constantly looking for our "X." A lot of the time, we don't know where we are going or which way is up. We search and search for the X getting lost along the way. What if we are already there. You are already standing on your X exactly where you are meant to be. Standing firm right where we are, on our X, doesn't mean we lose sight of where we are going. We can still have goals, dreams, wishes, and hopes. Knowing we are right where we are supposed to be right in this moment means we own what we've been given, steward it well, and appreciate this season. There is a part in Elizabeth Gilbert's, Eat, Pray, Love , where her friend talks about how sh

Peter. Let's talk about this guy. Peter was in the inner circle with Jesus. He hung with the crew that eventually changed the world. A group of misfits bound together by a king; a king that looked nothing like royalty. Can I be honest? Peter was a hot mess. Peter cut a soldier's ear off. (John !8:10) Peter was quick to take out the sword instead of trust the Savior. (Matthew 26:52) Peter denied Christ. (John 18: 15-27) Here's the deal about Peter. His given name was Simon. Andrew, Peter's brother, brought him to Jesus to show him that they had found the Messiah (Savior). He first found his brother Simon and told him, “We have found the Messiah” (which is translated as Christ). Andrew brought him to Jesus, who looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which means Peter). The next day Jesus decided to set out for Galilee. Finding Philip, He told him, “Follow Me.”… John 1:41-43 The very first thing Jesus did when he met S

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5 John 15:5 is a familiar verse. Pastors have taught on this verse countless times. We all know the analogy that if we dwell in Him (the Vine), we will bear much fruit. I saw this verse a different way the other day. I thought I would share my thoughts with you. Christianity and the Church has gotten a bad rap. You can read about Church history and see that this is not a new concept. The Church pushes back on culture and sometimes does it in such a way that it turns people off to the faith. There is no question that this is true. Ask most non-parishioners and they will tell you that most church-goers are hypocrites and the reason they do not attend. I think I may know at least one reason why this holds true. We are trying to be the vine and not the branch. When Jesus came onto the scene, he turned this whole faith movement upsid

He was sitting at the counter, his dad beside him. It was early; before 7am. They were working through some last minute math homework. Never-mind the fact that he had ALL weekend to complete his assignment. Who am I kidding? I would have put off my homework over the weekend, too. There is a lot of chatter out there. Chatter about how the middle schools years are scary and really really awful. Chatter about how this world will devour your child once he leaves the safety-net of elementary school. Chatter about technology and how it will kidnap your child's mind and lead them to the registered sex offenders list for life. Chatter. Lots and lots of chatter. Can we squash that chatter? I think so. I am here to tell you the preteen years are not to be feared. They are to be relished. I heard it all when my oldest was in fifth grade. We mamas all started thinking about what we should expect the next year. Just like when your preschooler moves on to kindergarten, the elementary to mi

I was cleaning up our bedroom removing sheets and letting air out of the air mattresses. The boys had a little slumber party in our room. One mattress was at the end of our bed, the other on one side of our bed. I had to walk back and forth to get everything torn down. Every time I walked to the left side of the bed, I tripped over the corner of the rug. Do you have a rug that does that? Is there a corner of a rug in your house that curls up and no matter how many books you stack on it, it never lays flat? Anytime I make our bed, I trip on that stupid rug. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 Before you click that "X" in the top corner, I want you to know that this isn't a post about what horrible sinners we are. This is a post about freedom. How often do we have junk in our lives and instead of attacking it head on, we stuff it down? We keep piling books on top of our issues

It's finally starting to feel like fall in Texas. We had a few beautiful days in September and October, but our real cold doesn't usually arrive until November. The leaves don't start changing color until then as well. Our neighborhood is full of beautiful trees. When you enter from our north entrance, all you see is tree lined streets. I long to see the fall colors as summer comes to a close and fall slides in. But, I have to wait. We have a red oak out front. I can see it when I pass our front windows and from my son's room. This tree goes from empty and barren to vibrant green to golden brown to a brilliant red. This year, our red oak is taking its sweet time changing from green to red. I am getting impatient. Fall is my favorite. The colors of fall rejuvenate my soul. Let's go, tree. Change it up! But if we hope for what we do not have yet, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25 Life is like the leaves. We find ourselves in an uncomfortable season and we a

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit Matthew 28:19 The house is quiet. The kids are off to school and the husband off to work. I am still in my jammies; teeth not brushed. With coffee in hand, I shuttle around the house picking up toys, shoes, and lost socks. I straighten beds that little seven year old hands tried to make. I throw a load of laundry in knowing I will soon get distracted and forget about it having to rewash the clothes before they start to stink. I sit down to write the questions for our Bible study now in a time crunch because I tried to do too much in too little time. Welcome to my life. In Matthew 28, Jesus tells us to go. He desires us to share the Gospel and introduce people to the love and grace we received; the precious gift of salvation. We look out into the world and see these phenomenal Christian communicators and think they've got this disciple-making thing han

The flags. They are down again. Hanging halfway down on the pole looking sullen. Sometimes I wonder if we should just leave them at half mass. Why even bother raising them back up? Tragedy seems to strike so often these days that we might as well just leave them in the halfway state. I think of the first responders having to walk into that church, that concert venue, that tragedy. Their lives, like the victims laying motionless, forever changed. My nephew is a fire fighter. One of my best friends is married to a fireman. I have numerous friends married to police officers. Their lives, too, are changed immeasurably. Senseless acts of violence try to rob my hope daily. A lack of understanding and unfathomable circumstances twist and turn in my soul. A darkness creeps in and leaves behind a vast heaviness. The whole earth feels like she's gasping for breath; like she's on a ventilator. I walked up the street and saw the flags. Worship music playing in my ear buds, I told God I

When Jackson was little, he was always dressed to the nines. He had more pairs of shoes than me as an infant. Why do infants need shoes, anyway. I will say, little baby feet are the cutest and even more adorable in little shoes. I had to have the cute diaper bag. His stroller fit the plaid Graco trend that was hot in the mid-2000s. It mattered. I don't know why, but it did. By the third kid, not so much. The younger boys had their country fair the other day. I asked them if they wanted to dress in western wear. Here is how the conversation went... Me: Boys, do you want to wear cowboy clothes for your country fair? Boys: What does that mean? Me: A button up plaid shirt and jeans. Boys: (with a look of disdain) Ummm...no. That's okay. My boys don't do button up shirts. Jeans? You would think I asked them to wear pants made of needles so those are out, too. They would rather where athletic shorts and flip flops; the youngest in a long sleeved shirt to top off the f

I am learning a lot about myself this year. Maybe it's because I am in my last year of my 30s and about to hit 40 in a few months. Maybe I've finally gained some confidence under my belt. Whatever it is, I am liking this new me. I am currently in Austin, Texas on a trip with my husband. It's a work trip for him and a "Mama-needs-to-get-away" trip for me. I knew there were some things I wanted to do (Hello, massage and pedicure), but didn't have a real plan going into this weekend. I also knew the hotel we were staying at but didn't know the exact location. We pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and I scanned the area. Shake Shack. Yum. Nordstrom. Well, that's a given. There was everything at my finger-tips all in a beautifully manicured and confined space. This is my type of gig. Safe, yet fun. Until... My husband realized while we were at the right hotel, we were at the wrong location. Good feelings gone. All my glorious plans flew ou

Annie Downs says, "Celebrate your former self. Don't belittle your former self." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist. She says this ALL the time and I absolutely love that she does. So often, we are told to hide our pasts. Our pasts haunt and shame us. We are told they are something to completely distance ourselves from and I just don't think that's truth. Let me start with some Scripture... “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." Isaiah 43:18 When referring to our past in Christian circles, we hold onto Isaiah's words. We are told to forget about the past and what has happened. We are to be alert for what is happening in the present time and what is to come in the future. So, it seems pretty clear that we are supposed to completely let go of o

I am a rule follower. I believe that if you don't follow the rules, you deserve the consequences. I was the "you cheated" and the "you're out because you didn't follow the rules" kid. I am a justice seeker thru and thru. Because of this, it can be very hard for me when someone doesn't get what they deserve. I can get worked up when people wrong others but aren't held accountable. "You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3 God just freed the Israelites from the bondage of slavery in Egypt. He was reminding them not to revert back to their old ways now that they were given new life. The Israelites struggled with idols. They had a longing for something physical to worship. These idols continuously tripped them up. We have an idol. Just like the Israelites, we have something that keeps tripping us up. Our idol is causing division among us. It is tearing apart friendships and families. This idol is causing us to lose sight o

Anyone struggle in the parenting realm? I wish I had the hand-raising emoji. I have a feeling we would all be raising our hands. Like any mom, I struggle in all the things motherhood. Just name a day of the week and I can tell you a struggle. We all struggle as moms. Even if we have our mom-game down, we still have our moments. I could write a ten-page blog about all my struggles. But, for the sake of time, I will only chat about one. When I got pregnant with my first-born, I was getting my Masters degree. I thought I would work forever. I had always worked and liked the feeling of contributing to society and financially to our home. I remember talking to a friend when I was about seven months pregnant. He told me I was going to want to quit after I had the baby. In that moment, I knew for certain he was wrong. And then, my baby was born. I had quite a bit of time off with the way my schedule landed, so I didn't go back to work until he was five months old. I was dreading it (a

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10 I follow a lifestyle blogger who touts living her best life. She just turned forty and decided that it is about time she live her best life. She realized that life zooms by at warp speed, so we must hang on tight and enjoy the ride. Why not take pleasure in the life that is before you? I like this mantra. I want to live my best life. But, how do I do that? The other morning, I groggily walked into my husband's office, coffee in hand, and dropped a bomb. I don't think it was even 8am yet, and this, on a Saturday. I asked him how his spiritual life was going. You know, the kind of conversation that needs to happen before one has time to ingest their first cup of coffee. Of course he was in the middle of something, so he asked if we could talk in a bit. I obliged but not without creating my own conversation in my head assuming how this talk would g

Have you ever gone fishing? I used to fish with my dad when we would go to Lake Arrowhead in California. I remember one time my sister and I were fishing on opposite sides of the dock. We were back-to-back. We both felt a tug on our lines and began to reel in. After fervently reeling and not getting anywhere, we finally realized we hadn't caught a fish. Instead, we caught each other. Our lines were tangled. I have since continued the fishing tradition with my boys. I love sitting on the dock with them, poles in the water. They love to play with the worms but don't especially like stabbing them with a hook, so I usually have to bate their hooks. Most of the time, we are unsuccessful and don't catch a thing. But, when we do, the boys go wild when they see that fish flopping out of the water. Have you ever seen a fish on a hook as it's being pulled from the water? That thing goes crazy flipping and flopping all over the place; gasping for air. The more it moves, the more

The woman at the well. (John 4) The woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11) Five loaves & Two Fish (John 6:1-14) The faith-filled woman who touched his robe (Luke 8:43-48) The thief on the cross (Luke 23:39-43) The 12 Disciples (The Gospels) What do all the things and people on the list above have in common? Jesus. Besides Jesus? They are all a small part of a larger story. We are always looking for the big: the big following, the big impact, the viral video or post. Our culture craves the stage. We flock to watch performers do their thing in front of thousands. We watch viral videos along with a few million of our friends. Trends are set based on the Instagram post with the most likes. We feel the need to live in the big while Jesus is calling us to live in the small. Jesus operated in the small spaces. He had a mass following, however, his most miraculous moments were with one person or a small thing. Even the wedding where Jesus turned water to wine (his first mir